Sunday, October 4, 2015
Most recently I went to the heart doctor. Not the real heart doctor where you get the EKG's and so forth, but someone that I could go and talk to about personal and spiritual thoughts. Even if everything else is working just fine sometimes the heart needs guidance too, making sure the right path is being taken, and to acquire balance so your heart can be squeaky clean too. The beautiful thing about our bodies is that we can not hide or kid ourselves when we do not feel good. Our bodies give us clues. I was having all the clues and or signs of not being in balance lately. Things were starting to become a little foggy for me in my relationship with my family which effected my relationship with my God. One thing always leads to another. The domino effect. So, I went in for an adjustment for my heart, my spiritual well being.
My heart was foggy about several issues. First, when I got married I moved into another state, far from the family that raised me. And in the last 31 years, I can count on my one hand the visits I have received from my sister and brother. They were minimal at best. It is sad, at least in my perspective, that in my 31 years of marriage, my siblings not only chose to not become part of my family by visiting us in our home, but that they expected me to visit theirs and to visit frequently, on their terms, on their turf. I'm not the kind of person to rock the boat, or at least I didn't for many years, mainly for fear that if I stopped trying, stopped traveling back home, I would not have my family in my life, but also because I have forgiven them every year quietly in my own mind for their selfish behavior and tolerated the situation. I loved them and I put love above everything else. Every vacation, every chance I had I hauled my family in the family car to visit them. When we lived close, meaning several hours close, I visited monthly. When I lived further away, I usually visited twice a year. The visits became more strained as the years passed and my visits have not been as frequent. I am tired as is my husband. These last two years I have not been home and my family is disgruntled with me for not visiting and they think I have indifference towards them. I don't think I have ever had indifference, just sadness that they didn't want to share in my life.
The fog started to clear up when I got my heart checked out the other day. It is painful for me to accept my family and their choices over the course of many years. I am hurt, lonely and sad. My heart doctor told me recently that I can't replay the past and most certainly I must move on to those that are dear to me and want to share in my life and in the life of my family. I can't hold onto something that does not exist. My love for them does exists, but their love for me is questionable and certainly does not hold the same definition as mine. I am not desiring to be understood as to understand their actions over the years and my heart doctor reminded me that it is not about being 'understood as to understand". This is pure spiritual maturity.
As I drove home one Sunday morning from 7:00a.m. Mass, the fog that was thick when I went to church was clearing off a bit making it manageable to see further on down the road. I drove slowly, squinting my eyes making sure I was on the right path. I am seeing much clearer on my personal journey, freeing myself from the bondage that my family has held me to over the course of 30 years. I feel as if I can breath better and the weight of the load of always being the responsible one to maintain the relationship has been lifted, as well. I do not love them any less, I just understand them better.
Slowly, the emptiness of my heart will fill up again with those that are willing and ready to love me and my family.
My step is lighter now and my song is stronger.
And as the song goes, "I can see clearly now, the rain is gone." I mean, the "fog" is gone".