EXPECTATIONS

I had an expectation of myself this year, to write, publish on this  blog, if not weekly, bi-weekly, but as I look back at my postings, which were few, I can honestly say I have failed my own expectations.  I am honestly quite embarrassed at my own failure. I believe if we fail our own expectations, how do we meet the expectations of our closest friends, peers at work, and our dearest family members? 

The word 'expectation' when said, has a very firm sound, definitive, persuasive, and yet its' definition is inclusive of a strong belief that something will happen, realistic or not, and failure of this expectation gives way to an emotional disappointment. I am most certain that all of us have experienced some sort of disappointment relating to an unfulfilled expectation. I have had many!

Christmas Day just recently passed.  This is the first time in 6 years that I have had my entire family reunite at Christmas.  In my heart, I wanted it as it used to be, with wonder, joy, love and excitement.  All of these factors, especially including the past, would  be difficult, but I tried extremely hard to eliminate any items that would not make this possible.  The refrigerator was full of food, meals cooked, music playing, Christmas decorations galore, the list checked twice, all the packages wrapped, so what could possibly go wrong? Had I not painted this picture perfect in this picture perfect world that live and know all too well?  

Each of us, at some point, have been caught up in and have been victims of,  wanting the 'perfect Christmas' with expectations galore.  Unfortunately, each of us have our own expectations, never letting the other know what his/or hers expectations are,  so we all eventually fail, setting the stage for emotional disaster. This Christmas, as much as I tried to enjoy, wonder, love and excitement, my demeanor was actually anxious and preoccupied with a lot of 'what if's' and quite frankly, I was a nervous wreck.  Why? Well, my daughter who left our family six years ago, returned. She returned with her now husband and their 2 1/2 year old son. I love her and was glad she returned, but I wanted everyone to love her and accept her and forgive her as I did.  My expectations were high.  Not all were as welcoming as I was and not all had forgiven her like I had as portrayed in the story of the Prodigal Son.  Each of us have different understandings of the meaning of love and forgiveness. We are all on different personal journeys, emotionally and spiritually, and we all have different, deep seated expectations of each other. 

Tonight, as I reflected on the spirit of Christmas and of Mary, our Mother of God, who willingly accepted what God placed before Her, with no expectations, just acceptance of the beautiful gift that she accepted for us and the world, I ask myself, why did I have so many expectations of the gift that God gave me this Christmas Day with all members of my family present? Why did I set myself up for an emotional disappointment? 

I removed all of the Christmas Decorations in my house the day after Christmas this year.  I emotionally wanted to move on.  I did not want to look back. I typically wait until after Epiphany.  This year was different.  The joy was not present.  I did not feel the love, the wonder and the excitement. And, normally, after Christmas I would find a comfortable chair, warm cup of coffee and gaze at the Christmas lights on the tree and reflect on the time spent with family.  This year, I am reflecting, but gazing upon two pictures of clouds and sea, both of which, in a different time and place, gave me joy, awe, wonder and excitement. These pictures represent to me God's promises of eternity and they give me clarity as to why I need to be freed from earthly expectations which will move me from self fulfillment into sin fullness. You can not serve the flesh and the spirit at the same time.  My only expectations should be my faith and trust in my God.  

When Christ is our focus, everything else becomes clear, even with a few clouds in the sky.

   

Putting the Pieces Together

Over Thanksgiving this year I decided I would try to put this puzzle together with attempts to draw my family together at the table in unison of a group, time tested activity.  I was successful at bringing 4 of the 7 that were there that day, however not all choose to freely invite possible frustration and challenge into their lives.  The other three milled around us watching, making comments that they were glad we were putting this together not them.  In their eyes, they made the smart choice.  

We had to set the stage for the project.  First, dumping the contents of the box out onto the table and flipping all the pieces right side up.  Second, we sorted all the pieces and placed all edge pieces to one side and thirdly, we arranged all the pieces by color into different sections on the table.  This in itself was tedious.  However, it made the entire next step easier as we started putting the pieces together.  

Over the course of several hours we each individually made progress working at our own speed, conversing, laughing and taking temporary breaks to nibble on the food that was being prepared.  There is no finished project yet.  Those that have partnered on this project have since gone home.  My table continues to have an array of cardboard puzzle pieces on them and I imagine these pieces will be here for some time.  I am however, determined to complete the puzzle at a rate comfortable with my willingness to sit and endure the complexity of this project.

As I look at this picture, I see a little bit of my self staring back at me.  Parts of me are put together and many parts of me still very scrambled. The little pieces on the edge wanting to cling to the completed portion, but not knowing how to arrive at the center. Wanting to be whole, complete, but not really knowing what complete and whole really means.  Maybe this is who I am designed to be, scattered or in His eyes, a continued work in progress.  What does being complete really mean, feel like or look like here on earth?  If I were complete, would I keep searching for and working towards a better me, a greater good?  Would I be content and give up on my growth, my journey, and expose  my vulnerabilities?  

Many of us hide our vulnerabilities and pretend that we have it all together on the outside, but all the while on the inside, we are very much scattered and lost.  Jesus said "A time is coming and in fact has come when you will be scattered, each to your own home.  You will leave me all alone.  Yet I am not alone , for my Father is with me.  I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace.  In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world."  John 16:32-33

Our final destination here in this life is to find the center, to cling to the center, to find those lost on the edges and help them and allow them to help us find our way, our way to our Lord and His ways.  We must cultivate that relationship by spending time in His Word, taking time for prayer, having relationship with his family and surrendering our will to His even when it is uncomfortable and challenging, much like putting the pieces back together within the framework of the puzzle.  Life will be a puzzle, a mystery, but it is in this mystery that we strengthen our faith in Him, trusting and allowing to receive and to be open to receive the graces that are poured down upon us from Him. We are not in control, we are only truly centered when our will is aligned with His and to become vulnerable with others on this journey towards growth with Him and with each other. 

Before God reveals what His will is for you,  we must be committed in doing whatever it is that He desires for us to do.  We must first take the challenge to be open to His will, like putting the pieces together, the arduous task of sorting through what we think we know and want and yet allowing something different from what we previously envision.  God will reveal his plan, but will we allow our eyes to see it? God's plan may be revealed slowly, but every challenge does not necessarily come easily and quickly. It is a step by step process of putting one piece by one piece together to become whole, centered and one with God. 

I don't know about you, but I'm taking the challenge.

I'm completing this puzzle.

One piece at a time.