Frozen In Time

Imagine being frozen in time. Imagine having a bad hair day and someone captures that moment by taking a picture of you and then sending that picture around the world as the world views your outer appearance. Imagine your body being set in stone unable to move or partake in daily activities, but your mind is still able to think beyond the movement of your body. Imagine not being able to move forward with the growth of your spirit even though you might be willing, but unable to do so because of an inability to have free will.

The picture of the two stone figures reminds me of what can happen if we refuse growth. These stone bodies are screaming for help. These two people are stuck in time unable to feel, to move, to think or to love.

Sometimes I feel like stone when my thoughts start swirling, but my will won’t budge. I have been very complacent in my relationship with my Lord lately. The thought of leaving the comforts of my current relationship of what I know and feel and reach beyond this daily comfort level into an area of volunteer vulnerability draws questions as to why in the world would I choose to go this route? To escape from the ordinary is totally uncharacteristic of me, which is why I have been frozen in time to the idea that "it is what it is". I admit that to convert my heart and move forward with God in a new direction is an utterance that is uncharacteristic of me in these last three years. I have been so busy and consumed with the lives of my children that I have often put God on the back burner. I haven't moved forward with Him for several years. I have just been maintaining what is comfortable and takes least effort. I believe I have grown tired of searching for the intellectual answers of "why God this" and "why God that", that in my search I discovered that it is not so much the answers that I need, in so much, as a deeper relationship that I need to ensue.

Boring to most, but the contemplative idea of stepping out of my comfort zone or should I say "our" comfort zones to engage in a Christian tradition which is not new to most is foreign to my current standing with our Lord and at most, a bit frightful to engage or forge into a new balance with Him as I disconnect from the past in order to gain a new awareness and meaningfulness in my life with Him.

So much has happened in the life of my family in the last several years. My daughter described her life as a roller coaster ride when the roller coaster takes your stomach all the way from the top to the bottom, then you puke. I think that is very descriptive of how I feel as well. All in all, it is hard to make sense of it all and I’m not really sure I’m suppose to. Most of the drama in my life has really occurred in the life of my children’s, but as they are my children and the center of my life, drawing the line between the mother and child is not at all an easy task. Mothers will always feel their children's pain and sorrows and oftentimes own it themselves. When my children would scrape their knee or bump or bruise their chin I know my body felt their pain too. It is just the connection that we have with our children. It is the same connection that our Lord has with us. I think we could all feel His passion for us if we would let Him inside instead of pushing Him away. We are His children. When we ache, bump or bruise our bodies, He feels our pain. I have pushed Him away and have only been focusing on my own children. I have been so consumed with their matters that my own spiritual life has been hindered or masked by their issues.

Each day I find ways to Thank God for all the joys and pains that enter my life. However, in thanking Him I do not believe that I have been a true witness of God's love and generosity to those that I am around. I complain and in that complaining it is hard to spread God's joy. I can honestly say I have been disconnected in what I need to do rather than what I am doing. I am ashamed.

This is a new season in the Christian calendar. In this season it is our responsibility to reconcile ourselves to God. To go into the desert and find God, to find our authentic self, to find balance, harmony, and symmetry in our daily lives. This alone would do each of us justice. To let go of what is holding us back, to reach to a higher ground with God is vital in moving forward with our relationship with Him.

I'm not sure I really know how to move forward. It is hard to do something different in our routine of things. When we are used to doing something one way it is difficult to see the possibilities of another. My daughter said I have already written about self-pity. I hope this doesn't come across like self-pity, but rather about finding ourselves in God, not just in our day to day occurrences, but in our journaling, in our prayer lives, in how we encounter each other and circumstances of our days and more importantly in how we decide to make changes and owning our failures and being willing to change them.

In the season of reconciliation, I confess I have been self- absorbed in thinking I can what I can't change by myself, and loath in my own self disillusionment of my own troubles of my day. I confess that I have not been the most joyful person in the last several years. I confess that I have allowed my spirit to remain stagnant and continued to justify its’ stagnation. I confess I have not been the most outward sign of God's Love.

It is time then to confess, to move forth and begin the process of change. I confess to you, my weakness and my failures as I move past the past and embrace the new.

"I was like a stone lying in the deep mire; and He that is mighty came, and in His mercy lifted me up, and verily raised me aloft and place me on the top of the wall." St Patrick of Ireland.

I’m not sure of the steps of change yet, but in His abundance grace and mercy I will ask Him to send forth the wisdom of change.

One thing I do know for sure, I do not want a heart as cold as stone.

The Hand That Gives

          

This is the had that gave and still gives today.  It is the hand of an abundance of love, compassion, a hand that empathized, sympathized, accepted and healed.  It is the hand of my mother's. Unquestionable, undeniably that hand that guided me as a child is still guiding me as an adult. Her hand and heart are still guiding me today through the joys and trials of today.

 
My mother and I do not live in the same state. Since the day I became a married woman I have never lived close by, usually a good 10 hours away from the casual  knocking of her door.  I have spent many hours talking on the phone with her sharing my life with her and hers with me.  Each morning we make a call to one another and have our morning coffee together sharing our past day and what is anticipated to come.  It is the only way in which we remain connected in our day without the physical presence.

 
One day as I was visiting her we were driving around town trying to find a place for me to do a photo shoot.  Trying to find an unusual or quaint subject matter was hard that day.  I believe it is easier to find what you are looking for when your are not actually searching as was the case this day. We stopped on the side of the road this day when my mother saw a local farmer selling his goods.  My mother loves getting her vegetables and fruits from local farmers. She loves the perfect home grown tomatoes.  It was then that I snapped the shot with my camera and it wasn't until later that I discovered the beauty in this picture.  My mind was flooded with memories of how her hands raised me, loved me and healed me.  When looking at her hands I feel a sense of tranquility, history and an undeniable love for her.

As a mother myself I have had to try to fill the shoes of my own mother.  It is not an easy task and I don't suppose I will ever fill them quite like her.  However,  just recently I have had to help my daughter "shelf" some profound fears that she was experiencing.  I'm not sure if I am doing a very good job in helping her cope with these fears because I too live the fear that she is enduring.  In comforting her, holding her and loving her, I as a mother  have to assure her through my faith that God will take care of all things.  In expressing this belief to her I have to believe this myself or my words are only words. 

 
My  mother showed her belief through her hands.  Her hands were the instrument of her belief in God.  Her hands give through understanding as they hold and comfort and give. Sometimes in my mothering I think I always have to verbally express my thoughts to my children when really all I need to do is just listen and comfort with my hands, eyes, ears and heart. This is quality of love that my mother has and is one in which I wish I could quickly acquire.

I think I will share this beautiful quote with my daughter that I found from St. Francis de Sales, he states "Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.  The same Everlasting Father, who takes care of you today, will take care of you tomorrow.  He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

I hold my daughter's joy and pain in my hands as does my mother who holds mine.  Today I offer no advise but only action as I take my daughters pain and fear and offer it to my Lord and ask  my Lord like my own mother does, to shield us from suffering and give us strength to endure.

 
Come hold my hand daughter.  Let’s take a walk..

Home Sweet Home

 

            

I took a trip this weekend.  I wish I could say it was all for leisure, rest and relaxation although it was somewhat of the opposite.  I took my daughter to visit a college that she might be interested in attending next fall.  It is really weird because when my husband and myself got married he began his career as a professor at this college and the town was our first home.  Our first daughter went to college there and now our second daughter seems to wants the same.

 
I took the usual campus tour, talked with an advisor and enjoyed lunch with my girl.  She is all to ready to move on, get out of our home and become a little more independent or less dependent upon her parents.  Not sure if that will be the case, but we'll all give it a try.  She wants to fly and I want her to experience the flight.  After all, she's 20 and it is time for her to explore.

 
Prior to coming on our little college journey, I recently went for a walk down the street from my home and  saw the strangest sight next to the sidewalk.  There were mounds upon mounds of ant homes positioned on the edge of the concrete. It sounds funny saying ant homes, like they are people homes, but these mounds of dirt really are the homes for the ants, where the ants work, sleep, (I really don't know if ants sleep), and play (I don't know know if ants play either, maybe just have ant family time).  These ants were scurrying around their mounds building and perfecting the dirt that constituted their home. Some mama or papa ant was directing these baby or teen ants to do their job or pull their weight in maintaining the home estate.  Everyone had a purpose, so it seems from the onlooker of the human eye.

My daughter wants to learn to become more responsible, manage her own household, and to continue to educate her mind so she may later reap the benefits of a nice job once she holds her college degree.  The cost of education is overwhelming to me, daunting if you will, but nothing slows her down, not a worry in the world, she just pushes forward with all the faith and determination that everything will just fall into place. 

  
I worry about my daughter going to college.  Sometimes she doesn't work like an ant at our house.  Her room is always messy, her laundry basket is spilled over onto the floor and her mess lingers into the bathroom or onto her car.  She rarely takes care of these issues that bother her mother without being asked, told or having a "stick" shook at her, if you will. So, my question is "how will she manage by herself?"

 
While watching these ants maneuver over and around each other trying to get their work done I thought about my daughter.  My thoughts were "will she get her work done?  Will she be motivated to do it on her own, will she take pride that she is on her own and step up to the mound and take charge of her home and the work that needs to be done?"  There are many other questions that concern me about her being vigilant about her independence but more importantly, the question I ask most is "did I teach her what she needs to know to go it alone without stumbling and falling or having other ants crawl all over her in accomplishing their tasks?  Will she fail or will she succeed?

It will take another visit before we secure her home. We just toured and received advisement today.  I have ample time to cram more mothering in before she leaves.

 
One thing I know for certain, we will never know all that we need to know.  There is only one person that has all the answers and she will need to know to go to Him for guidance, acceptance, strength and the answers that she needs.

 
"My child, don't forget what I teach you.  Always remember what I tell you to do.  My teaching will give you a long and prosperous life.  Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness.  Tie them around you neck; write them on your heart.  If you do this, both God and people will be pleased with you." Proverbs 3:1-4

Gotta go, I have mounds of laundry, the smell of my home sweet home....