Frozen In Time

Imagine being frozen in time. Imagine having a bad hair day and someone captures that moment by taking a picture of you and then sending that picture around the world as the world views your outer appearance. Imagine your body being set in stone unable to move or partake in daily activities, but your mind is still able to think beyond the movement of your body. Imagine not being able to move forward with the growth of your spirit even though you might be willing, but unable to do so because of an inability to have free will.

The picture of the two stone figures reminds me of what can happen if we refuse growth. These stone bodies are screaming for help. These two people are stuck in time unable to feel, to move, to think or to love.

Sometimes I feel like stone when my thoughts start swirling, but my will won’t budge. I have been very complacent in my relationship with my Lord lately. The thought of leaving the comforts of my current relationship of what I know and feel and reach beyond this daily comfort level into an area of volunteer vulnerability draws questions as to why in the world would I choose to go this route? To escape from the ordinary is totally uncharacteristic of me, which is why I have been frozen in time to the idea that "it is what it is". I admit that to convert my heart and move forward with God in a new direction is an utterance that is uncharacteristic of me in these last three years. I have been so busy and consumed with the lives of my children that I have often put God on the back burner. I haven't moved forward with Him for several years. I have just been maintaining what is comfortable and takes least effort. I believe I have grown tired of searching for the intellectual answers of "why God this" and "why God that", that in my search I discovered that it is not so much the answers that I need, in so much, as a deeper relationship that I need to ensue.

Boring to most, but the contemplative idea of stepping out of my comfort zone or should I say "our" comfort zones to engage in a Christian tradition which is not new to most is foreign to my current standing with our Lord and at most, a bit frightful to engage or forge into a new balance with Him as I disconnect from the past in order to gain a new awareness and meaningfulness in my life with Him.

So much has happened in the life of my family in the last several years. My daughter described her life as a roller coaster ride when the roller coaster takes your stomach all the way from the top to the bottom, then you puke. I think that is very descriptive of how I feel as well. All in all, it is hard to make sense of it all and I’m not really sure I’m suppose to. Most of the drama in my life has really occurred in the life of my children’s, but as they are my children and the center of my life, drawing the line between the mother and child is not at all an easy task. Mothers will always feel their children's pain and sorrows and oftentimes own it themselves. When my children would scrape their knee or bump or bruise their chin I know my body felt their pain too. It is just the connection that we have with our children. It is the same connection that our Lord has with us. I think we could all feel His passion for us if we would let Him inside instead of pushing Him away. We are His children. When we ache, bump or bruise our bodies, He feels our pain. I have pushed Him away and have only been focusing on my own children. I have been so consumed with their matters that my own spiritual life has been hindered or masked by their issues.

Each day I find ways to Thank God for all the joys and pains that enter my life. However, in thanking Him I do not believe that I have been a true witness of God's love and generosity to those that I am around. I complain and in that complaining it is hard to spread God's joy. I can honestly say I have been disconnected in what I need to do rather than what I am doing. I am ashamed.

This is a new season in the Christian calendar. In this season it is our responsibility to reconcile ourselves to God. To go into the desert and find God, to find our authentic self, to find balance, harmony, and symmetry in our daily lives. This alone would do each of us justice. To let go of what is holding us back, to reach to a higher ground with God is vital in moving forward with our relationship with Him.

I'm not sure I really know how to move forward. It is hard to do something different in our routine of things. When we are used to doing something one way it is difficult to see the possibilities of another. My daughter said I have already written about self-pity. I hope this doesn't come across like self-pity, but rather about finding ourselves in God, not just in our day to day occurrences, but in our journaling, in our prayer lives, in how we encounter each other and circumstances of our days and more importantly in how we decide to make changes and owning our failures and being willing to change them.

In the season of reconciliation, I confess I have been self- absorbed in thinking I can what I can't change by myself, and loath in my own self disillusionment of my own troubles of my day. I confess that I have not been the most joyful person in the last several years. I confess that I have allowed my spirit to remain stagnant and continued to justify its’ stagnation. I confess I have not been the most outward sign of God's Love.

It is time then to confess, to move forth and begin the process of change. I confess to you, my weakness and my failures as I move past the past and embrace the new.

"I was like a stone lying in the deep mire; and He that is mighty came, and in His mercy lifted me up, and verily raised me aloft and place me on the top of the wall." St Patrick of Ireland.

I’m not sure of the steps of change yet, but in His abundance grace and mercy I will ask Him to send forth the wisdom of change.

One thing I do know for sure, I do not want a heart as cold as stone.