Friday, December 31, 2010

Last Day, New Year

For the last week I've been trying to think about all the ways I can make changes this year. It was a hard year last year. I do not intend to write about the new year's resolutions but I am going to brainstorm about possibilities.


Two days ago I was tempted and couldn't resist and bought a cup of coffee at four in the afternoon. I did not go to sleep that night. Instead, I stayed up until 4am and cleaned and organized my closet and that of my husband. I pulled out of my closet 4 huge 30 gallon trash bags of clothes and purses and other odd items. I purge myself of the idea that I would get back into my skinny jeans in due time. I am embracing my new figure and If I get my old pre-four children bearing years body back, I will celebrate and buy new ones.


Yesterday I went and got my hair cut. New style, shorter, lighter and fresh. I feel perky today, even though I stayed up late and got up early.

I am going back to the gym today. Haven't been for nearly 4 months. Been too sick. I am going to take it slow and work myself back up to a good exercise regimen and I AM not going to feel embarrassed or disappointed in myself for starting over. It is a new beginning.

I'm going to try to have a defined budget and stick to it even when my kids say "mom, lets' go get a coke or go out to eat or hey mom, its' on sale....." I am simply going to say "it's not in the budget, maybe next month." If it is that important, it can wait. I have a feeling I am not going to be too popular with my children next year. I didn't have a good budget last year and I wasn't popular, so with that, I am going to take the risk. Am I ever the good guy? When my children so much as look at me I melt and give in to them. Not this year, I am going to pretend they are ugly and maybe it will be easier.

I would really like to take two trips by myself to visit my mother and father. Call me selfish, but when I go with my children, I rarely have a conversation with them. My kids are constantly demanding their attention. I want to be their daughter and I want their company. Checking air fairs soon....

I am going to try to get my game face on and journal more. Look out fans.... Look out God....

I want to learn a new skill. Maybe it will be bull riding or better yet, fly a plane. Whatever I choose, I want to love what I decide to do and do it with a passion.

Okay, here it comes....my job.... What does one do with a situation like mine, or yours perhaps? Even though I have not explained my situation, I'm sure you probably already have an idea that it is not peaches and cream. How do I resolve, move forward, move on, to tolerate it better? Learn to ride a bull? Try to find God in the daily, hourly, minute by minute frustrations? Is there ever a job that is peaches and cream? Maybe the answer is the "new skill".
I am going to draw, paint, shoot more photography and laugh more......

As this year draws to a close, I am not going to conclude on what I didn't, but what I can do.

As this year draws to a close, I am going to let Him mold me like a jar of clay.

As this year draws to a close, I am going to surrender to possibilities.

As this year draws to a close, I am going to surrender to His will because the Lord says " I will teach you the way you should go: I will instruct you and advise you." Psalm 32:8

As this year draws to a close, I will acknowledge that I am not in control. "We may make our plans, but God has the last word. You may think everything you do is right, but the Lord judges your motives. Ask the Lord to bless your plans, and you will be successful in carrying them out." Proverbs 16:1-3

As the year draws to a close, I acknowledge that these are just ideas, brainstorming ideas. For the Lord says "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

As the year draws to a close, I will clatter pots and pans and say:
Happy New Year To All And To All A Good Night.!!!

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Headphones


In the last two months.... lots of things have happened, I'm sure, I just can't remember all of them. Isn't it funny that only two months have gone by and you only remember random events? I'm trying to remember highlights and here is what I came up with thus far.....


1. I bought a new car. All 7 of us can fit into the vehicle when going to church.


2. My son has traveled recently to different states with his swim team and that made me nervous. I wasn't there. I'm trying to cut the cord. Can't. All of us celebrated his success.


3. Changes in my job occurred. Yuck! My kids feel my pain. I'm cranky.


4. My grandbaby is crawling. She holds the attention of us all, young and old.


5. My daughter played in an orchestra concert. I was her proud mother. Everyone went to watch her perform.


6. Thanksgiving passed. My table was surrounded by those I love!


7. Christmas passed. We gather around the tree Christmas morning and read from the Bible about the birth of Christ.


8. My "girls night out" club had our last event of the year with a dinner and gift exchange. I love these girls. Yahoooo...... That was fun!


9. Still cleaning up dog poop piles in my back yard daily. Love the dogs, hate the poop.


10. Made verbal exchanges with my son and daughter about not studying harder. That proved fruitless....I love them anyways.


11. Decorated my house for Christmas, transformed it, now I am looking at all the stuff I have to put up. Sounds like a family affair.


12. Finally sent out Christmas cards to my family and friends even though it is after Christmas.


13. My cowboy boots broke and I have to get them fixed. Everyone gave me their broken shoes when I said I was going to the shoe repair.


14. I'm sick. Good excuse to lay around. My children have been praying for me.


15. Three cars need fixing. We coordinate our rides each day.


16. My mind is blank. Can't remember anything else. Maybe I'm not suppose to.


So, where does all this reminiscing lead me to today? Is any of it important? I know the Christmas celebration is important, a day my children will remember. Thanksgiving will be remembered as we gathered around the table and gave thanks and shared happy moments in our lives. But, I ask myself, "what is the real substance in all of these events"? I sit and look at the list and try to add to it. My memory fails me. Nothing is stored up in that head of mine.


I draw only one conclusion to the list of 16 items. It seems these 16 items are centered around my family. Imagine that. FAMILY! Fond or not so fond it is my family that grounds me, giving me joy or driving me crazy, my every waking moment is about family.


God loves families. After all, he created Adam and Eve and made them a family. Right? and if we fast forward the story a little bit, God put Mary and Joseph together to raise Jesus and be a family. God wants us to preserve the family unit so we may pass it down from generation to generation and all its' tradition, stories, memories and the like, even picking up crap. Isn't there crap in your family that maybe you choose not to pick up or share but it is still there, lingering from one generation to another? Maybe one of us will forget the crap and move on to more joyful moments.


Satan tries to destroy families. He tried to destroy Adam and Eve with the serpent. Oh yes, they sinned but there family was spared. He tried each time killing the babies in families, like when Moses was spared and eventually lead the people of Egypt, thus continuing the family line as Mary and Josephs' son was spared as King Herod tried to kill all Hebrew male babies. He tries and tries each day, some days succeeding and other times failing.


There have been times I get so frustrated that I want to just walk away from my family. Not just one time have I had those feelings but numerous times. I let Satan take over my thoughts and feelings and control my worries into fear. He lead me away from God and his family. I get angry now looking back at how easy I was for him to allow myself to succumb to this level. It only takes a weak moment and zoom, Satan is in for the kill. We have to wear our armor at all times and surround our children with family stories of God and His love for us so we will not be tempted.


Satan almost had me the other night. He tried so hard to break up our family time. We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant, but it proved to be crowded and noisy. I hate noise when I eat. We could not pray together before the meal because it was so loud. It made me mad that I could not hear my daughter talk to me across the table. I put my headphones on and started listening to music just so I could tune the noise out. My headphones were very loud and I could still hear background noise. No one talked at the table. We couldn't. It was too loud. The food was great, the waiter was gracious and when I left that evening I thought.... maybe Satan was not successful tonight. Everyone was talking louder and louder so as to hear each other. Everyone at the tables were families. We were surrounded by families of all different sizes even crying babies. These families were brought together to share a meal. What a wonderful sight.


God had won. Satan had lost!


Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."


I believe my children will gather with their children at dinner one day. They will give thanks to the One above. They will try to find quiet place to break the bread. They will not put on their headphones at the dinner table like their mother did that night. But more importantly, they will continue to share bible stories and family memories from this generation to the next.


God wants us to share His message. He doesn't want us to put on our headphones. Headphones do not preserve and strengthen our family and the family memories. Satan however, does wants us to put on our headphones, to tune God out and to destroy the possibility of spreading God's message.


I'm leaving my headphones at home next time.


My ears were ringing the next morning.


Stay tuned for God's Message...............

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Under The Weather

It has been three months. Sickness. Under the weather. I've been down and out. My physical well being is, well, not so well. I did not send out Christmas cards nor did I text or call anyone and quite frankly, my spirits are not healthy either. I haven't written in a couple of months and quite honesty, God and I are having a wrestling match with his reasoning of me being sick. Sickness takes a toll on your body, not just on your physical self, but it plays with your emotional health too.


It is the day after Christmas. I am laying bed reading, still in my pajamas at 12:30 in the afternoon. My Christmas wish this year was to be healthy again. I don't like being sick and neither does my family. After all, me being sick means that their clothes don't get washed as fast, the dog hair on the floor starts sticking to their socks or caught between their toes, their "to do" lists gradually get longer and I just complain too much. I was not meant to be sick. Doctors don't know what's wrong with me, too many tests, too much money and not too many answers. You know what that means.... more tests that cost more money.


I haven't exercised for 3 months. This angers me because I have to cut back on my food intake. Doesn't everyone exercise like me so they can eat more???? My evening bowl of ice cream has been reduced to a Sunday splurge. So I am a little humbled for those in constant pain or for those that may be a bit overweight. I do feel your pain. Really!


In the high moments of my sickness (which have been asthma, pneumonia and pleurisy and other complications) I have been reading various books on suffering and death. Maybe this is why my emotional well being has been compromised because that topic in itself is a very depressing subject. But in all actuality, it has helped me see somewhat the other side of why people are cranky at the cash register, raging behind the wheel in the shopping mall parking lots, family feuds and the like. Sickness dampers the soul like a dark cloud on a sunny day. It overshadows the light and the goodness that God gives us and does not enable us to see beyond our current situation. And if you think about it, it does make sense because it is hard to see or feel beyond constant pain. It can be very easy to dig a deeper pit in which to wallow.

I've been trying out ways to silence my tongue. I tend to think out loud. Sometimes, well most of the time, what I am thinking doesn't really need to be said out loud. No one wants to hear me moan 500 times a day. So, I am learning to suffer in silence. They think I am better but I really hurt inside and when doing laundry and folding clothes, I want to moan and cry and stop doing laundry. I want to have a pity party where everyone can complain and moan and everyone can cry. Then I want to be better.


I was reading excerpts from St Francis of Assisi and he says to "have patience, for the sickness of the body is given to us by God for the salvation of our soul; for sickness is of great merit when it is endured in peace." This all sounds good when you are well, but it is hard to live by when you are sick, at least for me. I really think I have failed this sickness miserably. I want to be well now! I'm tired of being sick and as I fail miserably out loud I have not captured the success of enduring in peace.


Saint Francis of Assisi also said, "I hope that I so blessed will be that every suffering pleases me." I feel so inadequate when reading this, but then again I know He's the saint and I'm the "wanna be". So, I mosey on, reading what I can to improve my thoughts and tongue so that one day I too can have at least one foot in the gates of heaven, saint or not.


And as for my pain and sickness, this too shall pass.


OUCH, THAT HURTS!!!!!!