Thoughts…

I have this incessant and urging call to sit down and write and yet I am unsure about what to write about so I am just going to let God speak to me as I jot down my thoughts.  Oh boy, i’m sure that these thoughts will be random but God knows my thoughts before they even hit my lips or fingertips but I have to get it out, because I am all bottled up with too many thoughts.

 
I was suppose to go into work  today.  I have a sick child and the babysitter has sick children. Hope I don't get sick.  What am I talking about, I am already sick.  Okay, let's say "sicker" and on that topic, I am very frustrated with God right now.  I want to know why  I have been under  the weather for over 4 months.  I am tired of feeling sluggish.  I want to get up and go.  I want to rake the pine needles out of my yard that are consistently collecting in my yard, driveway, on the bottom of my little dear children's' feet and then into my house.  No one seems to notice but me.  Why is that?  That really bugs me that I am the only one that notices the crunched up pine needles in my entry way floors.  Who bottles up theses kind of thoughts but me?
I am really tired of griping.  I guess the griping goes with not feeling good.  The two go hand in hand.  The idea of a good disposition makes me want to go sweep up pine needles and not gripe about it.

 
I love my dogs.  Four simple words, "I love my dogs!"   Try this,  another four simple words, "I hate dog hair".  This  is something else that bugs me.  I sat down to eat and just simply looked down at the floor and saw dog hair all over the place. That is really gross.  We vacuum once if not twice a day.  Why is there so much dog hair.  Ummm, maybe because I have three dogs, silly.  Nobody seems to notice but me.  Why do I notice these things and then let it bug me all day even after I sweep it up?  I just want to get over it.  I want to overlook it like everyone else.  Maybe my disposition would be better.  Maybe that is why  their disposition is better.  Maybe their disposition is better because they knows it bugs me and they know I'll clean it up.  MIND GAMES.....

I sat down this morning and couldn't help but notice my belly  roll over my  pants.  Ever have those days.  I am having them every day.  I sat there and tried to suck it in, I also tried to pull my pants up higher so as to kinda tuck it in, but that became too uncomfortable.  I hope no one else notices my belly fat.  I have a gym membership but I can't go cause I'm too sick.  Everything is defeating the purpose.  What is the purpose? I have a gym membership to stay healthy, I used to attend , but then I got sick.  I cant get well at the gym cause I'm so sick I cant go then why do I pay for a membership when I can't go workout?   There should be a clause in the membership contract about sickness and not paying when you are under the weather. 

My dear son came home from another big swim meet. I care about his passion in swimming but more than anything I love it when he comes home after being gone and he gives me a hug. Isn't that something one would say about their spouse?  I know that sounds weird but  I'm smaller than him now,  he's growing and I'm shrinking.  He towers over me.  He hugs me and I feel safe.  Sound silly doesn't it.  He gives the best hugs.  My husband is shrinking too.  When we hug, we don't know who is really hugging who cause we are both the same size now.  I think my husband likes it when my son hugs him as well.  There's something about being embraced by someone who is bigger than you.

 
I've been saying a few bad words lately, like ________, and ________, and ___________.  I know you are dying to hear which words I have added to my vocabulary or have kept lately.  I have an awful vocabulary and I think it has something to do with my 'disposition' thing. So, unless you are where I am at during the day or evening the power of my tongue is greater than my will power so ear plugs might be a good thing for family and friends.  I'm trying, really I am, It’s just so hard.  Please don't be offended.  I even talked to my boss the other day and the word "crap" slipped out in a moment of frustration.  OOoooppps!  Gotta work on that.

I'm trying to think and type and pray and my daughters little one is trying to get my attention by using her vocal cords, pulling at my leg and making grunting noises.  She is nine months old and she is showing steam in showing us who she is and how to get our attention.  Doesnt she know that I am doing something really important like writing these really intecellectual thoughts down so all can read and learn?  Guess not.  You can only ignore the little rug rat so long, so I am going to quickly end these thoughts. 

It's winter and it is gloomy.  It is rainy and gloomy.  It is not real cold, sweater weather but nasty, messy, gloomy.  That is how I feel, gloomy.  Would I perk up if there was 6 inches of fresh powder of snow?  Probably because I am from the North not from the south and that is what we have in the winter is snow, not warm misty rain.  I want to build a snowman and have the glare from the snow radiate onto my face so I can complain that it is cold. 

Those are my thoughts.  I want, I  want, I want and when things don't go as planned,  like most humans we ask "why".  I sit here and jot down my disposition and in my mind I am praying "thy will be done",  then I sneak in there a little word like "but not more sickness, messes in my entry way, or dog hair on my floor.  "thy will be done" but in parenthesis (my way too).  I want it to go my way, not just God's way cause I really don't get God's way right now.  But, I remind myself that he knows best, the same way I tell my children, "I know best".  I expect my children to listen, so why don't I? Probably because I am running my mouth off about all my frustrations about the way God is handling things in my life.

God taught us how to pray many years ago and he taught us a special prayer called " The Our Father" and in that prayer it says "thy will be done". 

I'm signing off now....

I'm going to say a prayer now that does not have parentheses.

"Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, THY WILL BE DONE......"