Before and After

 

I've been a little busy lately.  Things keep getting in my way of my writing.  My thoughts however, still remain and sometimes when I don't get them written down, my mind gets overwhelmed with all the things that clutter my mind, it is hard to continue on without being able to share or write or pray on paper. In the evenings, I lay under my covers and shut my eyes to shut out all the distractions and then I just pray.  Sometimes that works for me and other times not so much, especially when my family barges into the bedroom, forgetting to knock and interrupt with questions like, 'hey mom, can I borrow your mascara tomorrow morning?, or 'mom, would you go over my schedule with me?' or 'what is for dinner tomorrow?'.... and on and on...  I admit, I do get very annoyed when they don't knock, as do they when I remind them to knock.

There is always a before and after situation.  Nothing is constant on earth.  Life keeps moving.  What is, is not always.  Ever changing.  Moving. Transition. Transformation. Alteration.....

My son just had shoulder surgery.  What was,will not be the same for him.  He use to swim miles upon end. Moving his arm in a motion above his head repeatedly for hours.  He now can barely move his hand equal to his elbow.

My daughter who has played the violin for over 5 years, (the first two years were painful to hear), but now the most beautiful sounds come from the little piece of wood and she has now chosen to not play due to her increasingly busy schedule.

My husband, once again, has lost his job.  A new 'boss' came into town and released all administration.  He is administration.  He does not have a job.

I wake up each morning thinking and expecting and preparing for what I think I am going to encounter in my day, all the while, God has other plans.   Life is ever changing.

I never know.  He only knows. He has it all planned.  I am His servant.  We are His instruments.

What was before is only temporary.

In the midst of change, I do enjoy helping my son dress his wound, assist him in his inability to manage his daily living skills and to listen to him as he processes the change in his life and watch him watch me love him as I serve him.  This is one thing that will not change, I will server with love.

In the midst of change, I sit and watch my daughter find herself as she moves through life adjusting her schedule and interest that she sees fit.  It is difficult as a parent thinking that we always know what is best for them when they were young, but not always knowing what is best for them as they grow older.  It is in letting go and allowing them to design their life as God sees fit that we fall in love with them all over and over again as they change.  There is one thing that will not change, I love watching her grow into a beautiful young lady.

In the midst of change, I have watched my husband age alongside me. We have been marred for 31 years this month. What was 31 years ago, is not today.  Our lives have changed. His career has changed.  I have supported him.  He has supported us.  I have served him.  I am his wife.  Jobs come and go.  God always provides.  There is one thing that will not change, I will always love him.

I am nervous.  I am anxious.  For what is not and what is to become, I rely on God.

"God, I praise your promise;
in you I trust, I do not fear".  Psalm 56:5
   ********************
"Happy those whose trust is the Lord,
who turn not to idolatry
or to those who stray after falsehood.
How numerous, O Lord, my God,
you have made your wondrous deeds!
And in your plans for us
there is none to equal you.
Should I wish to declare to tell them
too many are they to recount.
Sacrifice and offering you do not want;
but ears open to obedience you gave me.
Holocausts and sin-offering you do not require;
so I said, "HERE I AM;
your commands for me are written in the scroll.
To do your will is my delight;
my God, your law is in my heart!
I announced your deed to a great assembly;
I did not restrain my lips;
you, Lord, are my witness.
Your deed I did not hide within my heart;
you loyal deliverance I have proclaimed.
I made no secret of your enduring kindness
to a great assembly.
Lord, do not withold your compassion from me;
may your enduring kindness ever preserve me. 
Psalms 40:5-12

My prayers under my bed covers now include courage to be open to what God will give me today and to accept his gifts openly and with love.

Before and After, the only thing that is CONSTANT, is HIS LOVE.