Under The Weather

It has been three months. Sickness. Under the weather. I've been down and out. My physical well being is, well, not so well. I did not send out Christmas cards nor did I text or call anyone and quite frankly, my spirits are not healthy either. I haven't written in a couple of months and quite honesty, God and I are having a wrestling match with his reasoning of me being sick. Sickness takes a toll on your body, not just on your physical self, but it plays with your emotional health too.

It is the day after Christmas. I am laying bed reading, still in my pajamas at 12:30 in the afternoon. My Christmas wish this year was to be healthy again. I don't like being sick and neither does my family. After all, me being sick means that their clothes don't get washed as fast, the dog hair on the floor starts sticking to their socks or caught between their toes, their "to do" lists gradually get longer and I just complain too much. I was not meant to be sick. Doctors don't know what's wrong with me, too many tests, too much money and not too many answers. You know what that means.... more tests that cost more money.

I haven't exercised for 3 months. This angers me because I have to cut back on my food intake. Doesn't everyone exercise like me so they can eat more???? My evening bowl of ice cream has been reduced to a Sunday splurge. So I am a little humbled for those in constant pain or for those that may be a bit overweight. I do feel your pain. Really!

In the high moments of my sickness (which have been asthma, pneumonia and pleurisy and other complications) I have been reading various books on suffering and death. Maybe this is why my emotional well being has been compromised because that topic in itself is a very depressing subject. But in all actuality, it has helped me see somewhat the other side of why people are cranky at the cash register, raging behind the wheel in the shopping mall parking lots, family feuds and the like. Sickness dampers the soul like a dark cloud on a sunny day. It overshadows the light and the goodness that God gives us and does not enable us to see beyond our current situation. And if you think about it, it does make sense because it is hard to see or feel beyond constant pain. It can be very easy to dig a deeper pit in which to wallow.

I've been trying out ways to silence my tongue. I tend to think out loud. Sometimes, well most of the time, what I am thinking doesn't really need to be said out loud. No one wants to hear me moan 500 times a day. So, I am learning to suffer in silence. They think I am better but I really hurt inside and when doing laundry and folding clothes, I want to moan and cry and stop doing laundry. I want to have a pity party where everyone can complain and moan and everyone can cry. Then I want to be better.

I was reading excerpts from St Francis of Assisi and he says to "have patience, for the sickness of the body is given to us by God for the salvation of our soul; for sickness is of great merit when it is endured in peace." This all sounds good when you are well, but it is hard to live by when you are sick, at least for me. I really think I have failed this sickness miserably. I want to be well now! I'm tired of being sick and as I fail miserably out loud I have not captured the success of enduring in peace.

Saint Francis of Assisi also said, "I hope that I so blessed will be that every suffering pleases me." I feel so inadequate when reading this, but then again I know He's the saint and I'm the "wanna be". So, I mosey on, reading what I can to improve my thoughts and tongue so that one day I too can have at least one foot in the gates of heaven, saint or not.

And as for my pain and sickness, this too shall pass.

OUCH, THAT HURTS!!!!!!