Finding my way.....

There are some days, weeks, months or years that are more demanding than others and I am miffed by how my last two weeks have allowed me to breathe without hyperventilating because the circumstances that surrounded my days seemed to have gone from one extreme to another.



I was surrounded by cheering crowds as I watched my son swim his best swim in his swimming career. I watched as strangers stood up and applauded him and I viewed his team-mates hug him for a swim well done. My legs became wobbly with nervousness during his race and jittery with excitement as he succumbed a goal well deserved. I stood on the sidelines and watched.



I celebrated my daughter's birthday. My daughter, a grown woman, a mother and a friend. We lit the candles. The room glowed. My daughter glowed. She made a wish, blew out her candles and smiled. I watched.



I celebrated my friend's birthday. She opens her heart to me and mine to hers. She's honest, she's pure, she's real. She held my hand, she closed her eyes, she prayed for me on her birthday giving thanks for our friendship. I opened my eyes and saw her sincerity, I watched.



I celebrated my birthday. I'm getting older, wiser, slower, thankful. My family gave me gifts, hugs, smiles, giggles and love. My eyes were wide open. I watched!

I have a friend who went missing. He was angry, confused, lonely and lost. I went searching, I waited, I consoled, I watched.... he was found.

My grand-daughter was fussy, she was tired, so I rocked and rocked her until her eyes fell asleep. I watched her breath in her chest, I watched her eyes flutter, I watched her lips quiver, she dreams. I watched.

My little girl started feeling ill. She said her neck hurt. Her temperature was normal. The next morning her neck pain increased. I watched her tremble in pain, I watched her temperature rise, I watched the doctors examine her, I stammered in fear, I prayed, I watched the temperature fall. I saw her smile. I watched.

My dog is sick. Her ears hurt. She shakes them with such agitation. She wants to tell me her pain. I want to listen. I hold her. I medicate her. I watch.

I went to my neighbors house for "girls night out" and much needed friendship. We gather, we share, we laugh. I thank God for my friends. I wanted the evening to last longer. They were happy and they laughed and I laughed and I watched.

My daughter wrecked our car. Second wreck in 6 months. She's frustrated, angry, embarrassed, scared, but safe. She shows her daddy the damage, her head tucked down. She waits for his response. He loves her. I watch.

I tried to find tranquility in these two weeks. My heart is indifferent, discouraged and confused, exhausted and yet somehow in all this chaos I am refreshed by the outcome of each day. Life. I sat this morning and listened to the rain and I wondered about Him. I'm perplexed by the way He transforms us, molds us, shapes us. I listen to the rain. I watch.

Psalm 139: 1-6

Lord, you have probed me, you know me:

you know when I sit and stand;

you understand my thoughts from afar.

My travels and my rest you mark;

with all my ways you are familiar.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

Lord, you know it all.

Behind and before you encircle me

and rest your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is beyond me,

far too lofty for me to reach.

I listen and I watch. I listen and I watch. He is at each juncture in my life. He is at each cross road as I am trying to find my way. He was on the cross yet I am the one in pain. I listen, he heals.

In finding my way....He shows me the way......as I listen and watch.....