Where's My Passion

Passion: A strong feeling about something which could be enthusiasm, excitement or possibly anger that causes you to act in a certain way.  A conviction or emotion (which there are many) about something or someone in particular.  

I'd like to think that I have many passions, some of which I have denied myself lately.  One of those passions that I have denied most recently is the ability to find time to sit, think, pray and write.  It (writing) has become frozen in time, a ramification if you will, due to many unforeseen circumstances that have positioned themselves more important in my life. 

My attention has been directed towards my family and all of life's precarious events which brought about many twists and turns in my journey towards God. I don't believe I disregarded my passion for writing, it just became less important or perhaps I put less emphasis on it in a certain moment in time.  

In my journey with God, I have staggered, clambered and hobbled in my moments of despair with Him and with the many obstacles that were brought into the life of my family.  Walking with God would have been much easier in these really challenging moments, and I can say, I did walk with him at times, but I also chose to adventure away from Him. I'm not proud to address my weakness. Admitting my weakness is humbling and in addressing my weakness I become vulnerable and in that vulnerability I am confronted with the very pain that that made me turn away.  

I am a mother.  A mother four times over. A mother that loves her family with a genuine passion.  A passion that is so deep, so misunderstood, so raw that the only one that could possibly understand my passion is my God.  When my children hurt, I hurt.  When my children laugh, I laugh. In all the emotions of a child, young or old, a mother feels it twice. God feels it too.  We are His children.  

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life." John 3:16 

I read this verse very slowly.  And each time, at different times in my life, I try to understand the depth of His love for me and you. I know without a doubt that when I am in pain, God too is in pain.  When I am smiling, he smiles, as well.  He is my Father as is yours.  My children do not understand the debts of my pain when they are in pain and joy that I have when they are happy. I do not understand the pain and joy I give God.  

For now, I am sitting, writing and praying once again to my Father, letting him know that in all my pain and joy I too love him. 

Frozen In Time

Imagine being frozen in time. Imagine having a bad hair day and someone captures that moment by taking a picture of you and then sending that picture around the world as the world views your outer appearance. Imagine your body being set in stone unable to move or partake in daily activities, but your mind is still able to think beyond the movement of your body. Imagine not being able to move forward with the growth of your spirit even though you might be willing, but unable to do so because of an inability to have free will.

The picture of the two stone figures reminds me of what can happen if we refuse growth. These stone bodies are screaming for help. These two people are stuck in time unable to feel, to move, to think or to love.

Sometimes I feel like stone when my thoughts start swirling, but my will won’t budge. I have been very complacent in my relationship with my Lord lately. The thought of leaving the comforts of my current relationship of what I know and feel and reach beyond this daily comfort level into an area of volunteer vulnerability draws questions as to why in the world would I choose to go this route? To escape from the ordinary is totally uncharacteristic of me, which is why I have been frozen in time to the idea that "it is what it is". I admit that to convert my heart and move forward with God in a new direction is an utterance that is uncharacteristic of me in these last three years. I have been so busy and consumed with the lives of my children that I have often put God on the back burner. I haven't moved forward with Him for several years. I have just been maintaining what is comfortable and takes least effort. I believe I have grown tired of searching for the intellectual answers of "why God this" and "why God that", that in my search I discovered that it is not so much the answers that I need, in so much, as a deeper relationship that I need to ensue.

Boring to most, but the contemplative idea of stepping out of my comfort zone or should I say "our" comfort zones to engage in a Christian tradition which is not new to most is foreign to my current standing with our Lord and at most, a bit frightful to engage or forge into a new balance with Him as I disconnect from the past in order to gain a new awareness and meaningfulness in my life with Him.

So much has happened in the life of my family in the last several years. My daughter described her life as a roller coaster ride when the roller coaster takes your stomach all the way from the top to the bottom, then you puke. I think that is very descriptive of how I feel as well. All in all, it is hard to make sense of it all and I’m not really sure I’m suppose to. Most of the drama in my life has really occurred in the life of my children’s, but as they are my children and the center of my life, drawing the line between the mother and child is not at all an easy task. Mothers will always feel their children's pain and sorrows and oftentimes own it themselves. When my children would scrape their knee or bump or bruise their chin I know my body felt their pain too. It is just the connection that we have with our children. It is the same connection that our Lord has with us. I think we could all feel His passion for us if we would let Him inside instead of pushing Him away. We are His children. When we ache, bump or bruise our bodies, He feels our pain. I have pushed Him away and have only been focusing on my own children. I have been so consumed with their matters that my own spiritual life has been hindered or masked by their issues.

Each day I find ways to Thank God for all the joys and pains that enter my life. However, in thanking Him I do not believe that I have been a true witness of God's love and generosity to those that I am around. I complain and in that complaining it is hard to spread God's joy. I can honestly say I have been disconnected in what I need to do rather than what I am doing. I am ashamed.

This is a new season in the Christian calendar. In this season it is our responsibility to reconcile ourselves to God. To go into the desert and find God, to find our authentic self, to find balance, harmony, and symmetry in our daily lives. This alone would do each of us justice. To let go of what is holding us back, to reach to a higher ground with God is vital in moving forward with our relationship with Him.

I'm not sure I really know how to move forward. It is hard to do something different in our routine of things. When we are used to doing something one way it is difficult to see the possibilities of another. My daughter said I have already written about self-pity. I hope this doesn't come across like self-pity, but rather about finding ourselves in God, not just in our day to day occurrences, but in our journaling, in our prayer lives, in how we encounter each other and circumstances of our days and more importantly in how we decide to make changes and owning our failures and being willing to change them.

In the season of reconciliation, I confess I have been self- absorbed in thinking I can what I can't change by myself, and loath in my own self disillusionment of my own troubles of my day. I confess that I have not been the most joyful person in the last several years. I confess that I have allowed my spirit to remain stagnant and continued to justify its’ stagnation. I confess I have not been the most outward sign of God's Love.

It is time then to confess, to move forth and begin the process of change. I confess to you, my weakness and my failures as I move past the past and embrace the new.

"I was like a stone lying in the deep mire; and He that is mighty came, and in His mercy lifted me up, and verily raised me aloft and place me on the top of the wall." St Patrick of Ireland.

I’m not sure of the steps of change yet, but in His abundance grace and mercy I will ask Him to send forth the wisdom of change.

One thing I do know for sure, I do not want a heart as cold as stone.

The Hand That Gives

          

This is the had that gave and still gives today.  It is the hand of an abundance of love, compassion, a hand that empathized, sympathized, accepted and healed.  It is the hand of my mother's. Unquestionable, undeniably that hand that guided me as a child is still guiding me as an adult. Her hand and heart are still guiding me today through the joys and trials of today.

 
My mother and I do not live in the same state. Since the day I became a married woman I have never lived close by, usually a good 10 hours away from the casual  knocking of her door.  I have spent many hours talking on the phone with her sharing my life with her and hers with me.  Each morning we make a call to one another and have our morning coffee together sharing our past day and what is anticipated to come.  It is the only way in which we remain connected in our day without the physical presence.

 
One day as I was visiting her we were driving around town trying to find a place for me to do a photo shoot.  Trying to find an unusual or quaint subject matter was hard that day.  I believe it is easier to find what you are looking for when your are not actually searching as was the case this day. We stopped on the side of the road this day when my mother saw a local farmer selling his goods.  My mother loves getting her vegetables and fruits from local farmers. She loves the perfect home grown tomatoes.  It was then that I snapped the shot with my camera and it wasn't until later that I discovered the beauty in this picture.  My mind was flooded with memories of how her hands raised me, loved me and healed me.  When looking at her hands I feel a sense of tranquility, history and an undeniable love for her.

As a mother myself I have had to try to fill the shoes of my own mother.  It is not an easy task and I don't suppose I will ever fill them quite like her.  However,  just recently I have had to help my daughter "shelf" some profound fears that she was experiencing.  I'm not sure if I am doing a very good job in helping her cope with these fears because I too live the fear that she is enduring.  In comforting her, holding her and loving her, I as a mother  have to assure her through my faith that God will take care of all things.  In expressing this belief to her I have to believe this myself or my words are only words. 

 
My  mother showed her belief through her hands.  Her hands were the instrument of her belief in God.  Her hands give through understanding as they hold and comfort and give. Sometimes in my mothering I think I always have to verbally express my thoughts to my children when really all I need to do is just listen and comfort with my hands, eyes, ears and heart. This is quality of love that my mother has and is one in which I wish I could quickly acquire.

I think I will share this beautiful quote with my daughter that I found from St. Francis de Sales, he states "Do not look forward to what may happen tomorrow.  The same Everlasting Father, who takes care of you today, will take care of you tomorrow.  He will either shield you from suffering, or give you unfailing strength to bear it.  Be at peace then, and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginations."

I hold my daughter's joy and pain in my hands as does my mother who holds mine.  Today I offer no advise but only action as I take my daughters pain and fear and offer it to my Lord and ask  my Lord like my own mother does, to shield us from suffering and give us strength to endure.

 
Come hold my hand daughter.  Let’s take a walk..

Home Sweet Home

 

            

I took a trip this weekend.  I wish I could say it was all for leisure, rest and relaxation although it was somewhat of the opposite.  I took my daughter to visit a college that she might be interested in attending next fall.  It is really weird because when my husband and myself got married he began his career as a professor at this college and the town was our first home.  Our first daughter went to college there and now our second daughter seems to wants the same.

 
I took the usual campus tour, talked with an advisor and enjoyed lunch with my girl.  She is all to ready to move on, get out of our home and become a little more independent or less dependent upon her parents.  Not sure if that will be the case, but we'll all give it a try.  She wants to fly and I want her to experience the flight.  After all, she's 20 and it is time for her to explore.

 
Prior to coming on our little college journey, I recently went for a walk down the street from my home and  saw the strangest sight next to the sidewalk.  There were mounds upon mounds of ant homes positioned on the edge of the concrete. It sounds funny saying ant homes, like they are people homes, but these mounds of dirt really are the homes for the ants, where the ants work, sleep, (I really don't know if ants sleep), and play (I don't know know if ants play either, maybe just have ant family time).  These ants were scurrying around their mounds building and perfecting the dirt that constituted their home. Some mama or papa ant was directing these baby or teen ants to do their job or pull their weight in maintaining the home estate.  Everyone had a purpose, so it seems from the onlooker of the human eye.

My daughter wants to learn to become more responsible, manage her own household, and to continue to educate her mind so she may later reap the benefits of a nice job once she holds her college degree.  The cost of education is overwhelming to me, daunting if you will, but nothing slows her down, not a worry in the world, she just pushes forward with all the faith and determination that everything will just fall into place. 

  
I worry about my daughter going to college.  Sometimes she doesn't work like an ant at our house.  Her room is always messy, her laundry basket is spilled over onto the floor and her mess lingers into the bathroom or onto her car.  She rarely takes care of these issues that bother her mother without being asked, told or having a "stick" shook at her, if you will. So, my question is "how will she manage by herself?"

 
While watching these ants maneuver over and around each other trying to get their work done I thought about my daughter.  My thoughts were "will she get her work done?  Will she be motivated to do it on her own, will she take pride that she is on her own and step up to the mound and take charge of her home and the work that needs to be done?"  There are many other questions that concern me about her being vigilant about her independence but more importantly, the question I ask most is "did I teach her what she needs to know to go it alone without stumbling and falling or having other ants crawl all over her in accomplishing their tasks?  Will she fail or will she succeed?

It will take another visit before we secure her home. We just toured and received advisement today.  I have ample time to cram more mothering in before she leaves.

 
One thing I know for certain, we will never know all that we need to know.  There is only one person that has all the answers and she will need to know to go to Him for guidance, acceptance, strength and the answers that she needs.

 
"My child, don't forget what I teach you.  Always remember what I tell you to do.  My teaching will give you a long and prosperous life.  Never let go of loyalty and faithfulness.  Tie them around you neck; write them on your heart.  If you do this, both God and people will be pleased with you." Proverbs 3:1-4

Gotta go, I have mounds of laundry, the smell of my home sweet home....

Grounded

This weekend I went to a swim meet at the University of Texas. The weather was beautiful and it was around 75 degrees, warm enough that you would want to be outside enjoying the weather versus being inside a dry humid natatorium. I'm loyal and I sat inside watching my son swim. He didn't have a great meet. It was the state swim meet so all is fair in saying "his mom thought he did great just because he made it to districts, regional's and then to state". He had a bad ear infection and a sinus infection and with those two combinations, swimming was not really in the cards for him this weekend. He said "thinking about diving into the water hurts before I even do it", so you can only imagine how it really felt when he did. He was also on 9 medications for his ears, sinuses and his asthma. Nine too many if you ask me! He had to swim at this meet for his school, his team and for himself. His participation was vital! He couldn't quit, give up, or opt out.

He gave it his all. He swam hard, he swam fast, he was determined to help his team mates. After the preliminaries the first day, I could tell his coach was a little disappointed. In my heart I was hoping that the coach would not shower this disappointment onto my son. We (his father and myself) were outside waiting for him to greet us after the prelims were over. We were not sure what reaction we were going to get from him once he arrived. I knew I was just going to smile and give him the best hug ever .

Not to soon after the prelims, he came bounding out the doors with the biggest smile on his face. He said "how'd ya like that swim?" all the while laughing and smiling and enjoying our presence. There was not one grin of disapproval from us nor was there an ounce of disapproval displayed in his behavior. He knew he might not do as well as he expected due to his illness, but that illness did not give him permission to pout. He tried as best as he could and he smiled about his performance. He would not let us pout either.

My son was grounded. He was not grounded in terms of being in trouble with his mom and dad, but grounded in the fact that it was just a swimming event. Grounded in the fact that life goes on even though he might not have been number one or two or three..... He was grounded that he was still thankful for his success. He was grounded that his parents loved him no matter how he swam. He was grounded that his team mates were proud of him, and coach was proud of him. He was grounded by the fact that God gave him a remarkable talent to share with others.

If we do not keep our feet planted on the ground like the roots of a tree that hold the trunk upright, we will loose our footing on the ground in our morals and values. We will fall short of the lessons in life in our growth and development with our families, friends and more importantly our relationship with the Lord.

There was a time in my son's swimming career that I as his mother was not as patient towards his swimming. I felt that as much money that his father and myself were paying, he should be at least in the top eight in all his events, all the time, well not all the time but most of the time. I was not the most tolerant of mothers. I just thought that he was not trying hard enough or giving up. All the while the lessons that I learned were that there are many factors that play in the outcome of his performance. One is his physical health and two is his mental health (readiness for the event) and three which is probably more important is his support from his parents and those that love him and to let him know just how much he is love in and out of the water. He has to know that we support him regardless of the outcome. I believe I always supported him regardless, but my words may not have always voiced that to him. I have learned a lot about competition. My dad used to say a saying to my children and it resonates in my ear this weekend and it goes like this..." Good, better,best, never let it rest until your good becomes better and your better becomes best!" I think this just means that you need to try your best and don't give up or settle.

As I walked out waiting for my son to arrive from competition, a massive tree stood in the middle of the walk way. It was well grounded by it's roots as is my son. I hope my son remains grounded. I hope he remains obedient to God's purpose for his life.

"Obedience is a virtue of so excellent a nature, that Our Lord was pleased to mark its observance upon the whole course of His life; thus He often says, He did not come to do His Own will, but that of His Heavenly Father." --St. Francis de Sales

My son's roots just spread a little deeper this weekend. I just hope no one tries to dig them up.

Life on the edge

These vultures have made the ledge to the entrance of our neighborhood their home. I don’t like these creatures. They remind me of death or better yet as I slowly crept out of my car to get a close up picture the only thing I could think of was the movie “Birds”. It was a film that I saw in the sixties. It was scary and I remember it vividly. As I crept up on these birds, I imagined that they were going to attack me and my camera lens and peck my eyes out and flock around me and eat me to death. Death, death, death.

I have been fascinated with these birds since the day we purchased our home. They have become a permanent fixture on this ledge and they are there when you leave and when you arrive. I do not think it is a nice sight for an entrance and I believe everyone in this neighborhood is in agreement.

Well, the other day I discovered why these ugly black birds stay in the area. Here’s the story…..

I was leaving my home to go to work, just pulling out onto the street when I saw a little grey kitten up in the street trying to cross to the other side. I slowed my car down a bit and looked ahead waiting for movement from the kitty. I glanced up in the air and saw our permanent entrance wall fixtures (the vultures) and then my mind starting racing as the vultures started circling. I drove up closer to the kitten and started honking my horn only to discover that I was a little late as a big, black, large wing spanned vulture swooped down and captured the kitty.

With a blink of my eyes the kitten was gone. Its’ tail was swinging in the air as the vulture took off with the kitten.

I couldn’t believe my eyes. I took off in my car to follow the bird. He went down into a ravine and back up in the air where I found him in another neighborhood close by mine. He then circled and returned to the spot where he captured the kitten in the beginning. He was about 20 feet off the ground and then the vulture dropped the kitten onto the ground.

The kitten didn’t move, but the vultures did. There were too many to count as they took turns pecking at the kitty. I sat in my car honking at them all the while I was crying. I didn’t know what to do and I knew it was too late.

I don’t like these birds. I’m sure the cows and the chickens and the pigs don’t like us humans either when we go to slaughter them for food. I just kept asking myself why the little kitty???? Why not a armadillo or a skunk or some other creature that does not co-exist as a pet with humans.

My discovery this day lead me to understand why these vultures don’t leave our neighborhood. Their breakfast, lunch and dinner is waiting for them. I wonder how many little kitties have lost their lives to these birds. How many little one to two pound dogs have lost their lives, as well.

I was so angry that day. I couldn’t see past that little innocent gray kitty eaten up by the vultures. I was mad at God that day for letting that kitten die and for letting me see how those vultures got their meal. I didn’t want to know. I didn’t want them on the edge of our entrance. I had words with God that day. I was mad!

“Remember this, my dear friends! Everyone must be quick to listen, but slow to speak and slow to become angry. Human anger does not achieve God’s righteous purpose.” James 1:19-20

This day I saw the circle of life.

This day in my neighborhood, the kittens are the ones living on the edge.

Chuck and Larry

These are my birds. The birds name are Chuck and Larry respectively. They look identical and most can not tell them apart from each other however, if you watch them closely for several minutes you will find that one has a stronger personality and the other one has very vibrant coloring on its' little feathered body.

My father gave a beautiful antique bird cage to my daughter several years ago. I was apprehensive about that bird cage for several reasons. One, if you have a bird cage you usually have birds and two, if you have a bird cage with birds you usually have a cage full of bird mess and three, someone usually has to clean that bird mess up once the birds mess and I knew that that special someone to clean the mess was going to be me.

I think there might have been some miscommunication between my daughter and her grand father when the bird cage exchange began. She was interested in receiving the cage not so much the birds. But, not long after he arrived at our house for a visit they were both at the pet store purchasing birds. They were also purchasing bird food, swings, perches, bird liter and so on….. My daughter was not going to disagree with my father as long as it was his idea and the idea did sound good at the time.

The first week my daughter adored the birds. The second week they were moved out of her room into the family room and then when the cage needed cleaning she insisted she didn’t have time. I inherited the birds and the cage and to this day, I feed, clean, care and try to love the birds. It’s hard to imagine an attachment to birds although I will say, I’m attached.

Last night I had to cover them up with yet another blanket to ensure that they would be warm because we were having unusually cold weather. In the middle of the night they started singing, chirping or barking, if you will, and I woke up in a state of panic. I couldn’t tell if it was one bird making all the noise or both. I laid there thinking it was going to stop, then I got to thinking to much and starting wondering if something was wrong with one bird or the other. I arose from my bed only to discover that they were thirsty and I proceeded to give them some water. Their chirping stopped.

Chuck and Larry need each other. I don’t really know if it is a Chuck and Larry, it could be a Chuck and Mary or a Mary and Larry, you get the idea, but what would I do if one of the birds fell ill and died or better yet, what would they do? These birds have been caged together for three and a half years. If one bird flys to one side of the cage the other one follows. If one sits on the swing, the other one joins in and if one eats, the other one watches. They are two birds joined as one.

After I got my birds settled this little incident reminded me of the beauty of God’s creation. He created purpose in everything and the need to need each other even if it’s birds. We all need companionship, comfort, security and all the feelings that go with life.

My birds do not fly onto my hand when I reach in to pet them. Matter of fact, my birds fly away when I come near them. Maybe they have sensed my feelings from the very beginning.

On the 5th day God had created birds. He blessed them and God was pleased. Genesis 1:20-23

My birds are here to stay even though I sometimes wish Chuck and Larry would fly, fly away.

Cover Up

I drove around the neighborhood today looking at all the yard decorations.  This picture is a typical view that one sees here in the south. Nope, it is not Christmas with beautiful tree lights and ornaments nor is it Halloween where we dress up our shrubs and trees and flowers.  It is just a typical day in the south where we have unexpected cold or “extreme weather temperatures” that are not so called “normal” for this part of the country.  I personally think  it hilarious to see yards full of unusually shaped shrubs dressed in colorful blankets.  It’s just that time of year.

I often tell my children, even my children that are adults that they too have too cover up each day, not only by wearing modest clothing so they don’t tempt the eye of the beholder, but to wear their “Armor of God” each and every day.  If they don’t have their armor on each day they become vulnerable to temptation. 

Jesus was in the desert for 40 days and 40 nights without food.  The idea of me being in my house for 40 days and 40 nights with food is unimaginable and my house is certainly not a desert.  But, in those 40 days and 40 nights, Jesus relied on God for strength and guidance.  He only served God.

“The scripture says, ‘human beings cannot live on bread alone, but need every word that God speaks.’” Matthew 4:4

I have three older children that can read the bible and discern what is being read however, I have a little girl that can read the bible, but needs help in understanding the words.  She needs her armor just as much as my older ones and they need God’s armor every day to protect them against Satan’s tricks. We have to cover up not just in the winter to keep us warm, but in the summer, spring and fall too.  We have to constantly be covered with God’s armor to resist temptation. 

In the prayer that the Lord’s taught us to pray, he says  “Do not bring us to hard testing, but keep us safe from the Evil One.” Matthew 6:13   We should make temptation a constant focus in prayer, each and every day as God instructed us in the Lord’s Prayer.  By praying the Lord’s prayer we are asking God to keep us safe from the Evil One.

When under attack by the tempter, Jesus relied on the Word of God to resist his adversary.

We don’t have to wear an armor of steel or some form of metal, but we do have to wear God’s word.

The people who cover their plants from harsh weather are protecting them from a hard freeze, ultimately from the death of a freeze.  We cover our hearts and souls with God’s word so our hearts and souls don’t die from the cold reality of temptation.  

We can choose to cover up or go under cover……   

Babies on board….

I woke up this morning at 4:50 to take my son to swim practice it was a bit chilly this morning, I think we finally got some cold air from the northern states.  Maybe God heard my prayer yesterday about being too warm in the south in the middle of January.  I arrived home, still dark outside, quietly make myself a cup of coffee and began to check all three of my email accounts.  There were way too many emails for me to read especially that early in the morning so I opened the ones that looked most important and bypassed all the others.  Needless to say, those too were of no importance with the exception of one in my work account.  A counselor from a high school woke up in the middle of the night and remembered that she had not secured a speaker for her teen pregnancy class.  She forgot to invite a speaker to share some insight and guide these teens towards their future.  So, this special someone decided to email me with an urgent request at four in the morning asking or better yet begging me to respond to her request.  I think it was a "God thing" guiding me to that particular email at that particular time, but I responded and said "yes".  I would speak to her class of pregnant teens.

 
Oh my Gosh!!!  What was I thinking?  I wasn't thinking, after all  it was shortly after 5 a.m. that I had opened the email and had not really digested the fact that she meant today at 11:00am.  I had already told my daughter yesterday that I would watch her 9 month old (my grand daughter) for the entire day today. What was I going to do?  Oh, oh, oh, I manage to get myself into dilemmas, no one to blame but myself.  

I had already hit the send button and now I was in a fix.  How could I possibly send her yet another email and say "sorry, but I forgot I have to babysit today"????  I emailed her back and asked if I could bring my grand daughter.  Of course, her reply, a big, YES!
Then I started to think, which I do on a rare moment, what was I going to talk  about.  After all, I  was no spring chicken, I was not pregnant so how was I going to relate to these young girls? 

There is always a part of me that wants to "mother" everyone, even people I do not know.  I know these girls in high school are either embarrassed, feel defeated, do not see the light at the end of the tunnel, nor do they see what we as mothers already know and that is the life experience of the struggles and joys of raising children at a mature age with a spouse and a strong support system.  These girls were single, did not have a support system, were either kicked out of their homes already or to be kicked out after the baby is born,  no income, have not received their high school diplomas yet and most were in 9th, 10th, 11th and a few in 12th grade.  These girls were babies themselves pregnant with babies.

 
I had to make this speech positive even if they had made choices that had set the stage for a life long change.  Their road was going to be just a little harder, if you will, than most.

 
I have a daughter that is a single mother raising a child.  She has a support system, she is older, she is educated with a high school degree soon to be receiving her college degree.  Even at that, it is still a struggle.  Somehow our family pulled the positive out of the downside of things. 

What was I going to say?

What did I have to offer them that would give them hope?

What could I possibly bring to them?

I drove 20 minutes to get to the school with grand baby in tow.  I prayed the minute my feet hit the floor board of the car until I arrived at the door of the school.  I just asked God to use me however he wanted me to, but to just put the right words in my mouth to reach these girls, to make a difference because due to my lack of preparation I was really unsure of what to say.

The audience consisted of 15 girls and four counselors, me and baby.  Five girls dropped out of school the week before, otherwise we would have had 20 girls. 
I was introduced, then I introduced my  grand daughter. My 9 month old grand daughter began my speech of general direction, guidance on their future educational goals, and lastly, hope for the future.  She shared with them the reason they need to continue school.  She shared with them the reason they need direction.  Them seeing her was a reason to secure a future for themselves and for their baby.  My grand daughter gave them hope.  I spoke the words that day that God put in my mouth to those girls.  I do not remember the words and the words really are not important.  What was important was the way He maneuvered the actions of my grand daughter around those girls brining smiles among all of them.  He gave them HOPE through her.  He used me as the vehicle to get my  grand daughter in the presence of those girls.  I was her transportation.  She was the speaker.

 
I wanted to talk about how God made an upside out of our downside situation.  I wanted to talk about how God  was in our lives, but I couldn't you see, I was at a a public school and we could not speak about God.   I like to talk about God.  I wanted to talk about God.  How could I talk about this situation and their blessings to be without bringing up God.  God however, knew exactly what to do, public school  or not.

  
As it turns out, God was not mentioned in my speech, but his actions spoke loud and clear that day through my little grand daughter.  Those girls may not have a high school diploma yet, but they knew exactly why we both were there.  God shined a little light through my grand daughter for those young girls to see and in that light he gave them direction.  He showed them that in giving love they too will receive.  Every time one of the girls reached out to my grand daughter she reached out to  them.  It is kind of like the light God gave the shepherds the night they followed the star trying to find Jesus in the stable.  God gave and the shepherds received.  When my grand daughter started to fall, the girls would reach out to help and guide her back onto her feet.  It is certainly the same way when we fall God guides us back onto the right path if we allow him.  The girls learned that with a child there will be responsibility even if it is helping them get on their feet, but they too can get back on their feet if they seek help.  And lastly, my grand daughter gave them hope, that through all the trials that are before them now and to come there is still hope to achieve their dreams and those for their children. They saw that although my grand daughter was only 9 months old, life moves on, we grow up and we have to face the uncertainty with hopefulness or we remain in the same place.

God said a lot in that 90 minute speech through my grand daughter's presence and action.  God showed them the joy and the blessing that they will receive and God gave them something to hope for on that day their child is born. 
 

All of this by the grace of God.

“And so they left, and on their way they saw the same star they had seen in the East.  When they saw it, how happy they were, what joy was theirs! It went ahead of them until it stopped over the place where the child was.  They went into the house, and when they saw the child with his mother Mary they knelt down and worshipped him.” Matthew 2:9-11

“I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.” Psalm 32:8

“Trust in the Lord. Have faith, do not despair. Trust in the Lord.”  Psalm 27:14

In asking for directions, receiving guidance, we find we can cling to hope and in hoping we are trusting God to act in His good timing.

The upside of the down.......

Thoughts…

I have this incessant and urging call to sit down and write and yet I am unsure about what to write about so I am just going to let God speak to me as I jot down my thoughts.  Oh boy, i’m sure that these thoughts will be random but God knows my thoughts before they even hit my lips or fingertips but I have to get it out, because I am all bottled up with too many thoughts.

 
I was suppose to go into work  today.  I have a sick child and the babysitter has sick children. Hope I don't get sick.  What am I talking about, I am already sick.  Okay, let's say "sicker" and on that topic, I am very frustrated with God right now.  I want to know why  I have been under  the weather for over 4 months.  I am tired of feeling sluggish.  I want to get up and go.  I want to rake the pine needles out of my yard that are consistently collecting in my yard, driveway, on the bottom of my little dear children's' feet and then into my house.  No one seems to notice but me.  Why is that?  That really bugs me that I am the only one that notices the crunched up pine needles in my entry way floors.  Who bottles up theses kind of thoughts but me?
I am really tired of griping.  I guess the griping goes with not feeling good.  The two go hand in hand.  The idea of a good disposition makes me want to go sweep up pine needles and not gripe about it.

 
I love my dogs.  Four simple words, "I love my dogs!"   Try this,  another four simple words, "I hate dog hair".  This  is something else that bugs me.  I sat down to eat and just simply looked down at the floor and saw dog hair all over the place. That is really gross.  We vacuum once if not twice a day.  Why is there so much dog hair.  Ummm, maybe because I have three dogs, silly.  Nobody seems to notice but me.  Why do I notice these things and then let it bug me all day even after I sweep it up?  I just want to get over it.  I want to overlook it like everyone else.  Maybe my disposition would be better.  Maybe that is why  their disposition is better.  Maybe their disposition is better because they knows it bugs me and they know I'll clean it up.  MIND GAMES.....

I sat down this morning and couldn't help but notice my belly  roll over my  pants.  Ever have those days.  I am having them every day.  I sat there and tried to suck it in, I also tried to pull my pants up higher so as to kinda tuck it in, but that became too uncomfortable.  I hope no one else notices my belly fat.  I have a gym membership but I can't go cause I'm too sick.  Everything is defeating the purpose.  What is the purpose? I have a gym membership to stay healthy, I used to attend , but then I got sick.  I cant get well at the gym cause I'm so sick I cant go then why do I pay for a membership when I can't go workout?   There should be a clause in the membership contract about sickness and not paying when you are under the weather. 

My dear son came home from another big swim meet. I care about his passion in swimming but more than anything I love it when he comes home after being gone and he gives me a hug. Isn't that something one would say about their spouse?  I know that sounds weird but  I'm smaller than him now,  he's growing and I'm shrinking.  He towers over me.  He hugs me and I feel safe.  Sound silly doesn't it.  He gives the best hugs.  My husband is shrinking too.  When we hug, we don't know who is really hugging who cause we are both the same size now.  I think my husband likes it when my son hugs him as well.  There's something about being embraced by someone who is bigger than you.

 
I've been saying a few bad words lately, like ________, and ________, and ___________.  I know you are dying to hear which words I have added to my vocabulary or have kept lately.  I have an awful vocabulary and I think it has something to do with my 'disposition' thing. So, unless you are where I am at during the day or evening the power of my tongue is greater than my will power so ear plugs might be a good thing for family and friends.  I'm trying, really I am, It’s just so hard.  Please don't be offended.  I even talked to my boss the other day and the word "crap" slipped out in a moment of frustration.  OOoooppps!  Gotta work on that.

I'm trying to think and type and pray and my daughters little one is trying to get my attention by using her vocal cords, pulling at my leg and making grunting noises.  She is nine months old and she is showing steam in showing us who she is and how to get our attention.  Doesnt she know that I am doing something really important like writing these really intecellectual thoughts down so all can read and learn?  Guess not.  You can only ignore the little rug rat so long, so I am going to quickly end these thoughts. 

It's winter and it is gloomy.  It is rainy and gloomy.  It is not real cold, sweater weather but nasty, messy, gloomy.  That is how I feel, gloomy.  Would I perk up if there was 6 inches of fresh powder of snow?  Probably because I am from the North not from the south and that is what we have in the winter is snow, not warm misty rain.  I want to build a snowman and have the glare from the snow radiate onto my face so I can complain that it is cold. 

Those are my thoughts.  I want, I  want, I want and when things don't go as planned,  like most humans we ask "why".  I sit here and jot down my disposition and in my mind I am praying "thy will be done",  then I sneak in there a little word like "but not more sickness, messes in my entry way, or dog hair on my floor.  "thy will be done" but in parenthesis (my way too).  I want it to go my way, not just God's way cause I really don't get God's way right now.  But, I remind myself that he knows best, the same way I tell my children, "I know best".  I expect my children to listen, so why don't I? Probably because I am running my mouth off about all my frustrations about the way God is handling things in my life.

God taught us how to pray many years ago and he taught us a special prayer called " The Our Father" and in that prayer it says "thy will be done". 

I'm signing off now....

I'm going to say a prayer now that does not have parentheses.

"Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name, thy kingdom come, THY WILL BE DONE......"

The song of my life

Head, shoulders, knees and toes.....

That about sums it up. My whole body needs a jump start this morning. I've tried my two very large cups of coffee, going out into the cold at 6:30 this morning, actually that is very late because usually it is 5:00am (to take my son to swimming) and I have even done my stretches this morning. Nothing thus far has worked to make me not feel achy. I really am beginning to think it is old age.

I am 49 1/2. Is that old? It was old to me when I was 20 or even 30, but now I still think I am a spring chicken when I think about some people turning 100.

My husband shuffles to and from his side of the bed to the doorway when it is his turn to get up to take my son to practice in the morning. He literally shuffles. It sounds like he is cross country skiing. He could probably use a pole too to keep his balance, then we could make getting out of bed a true sport, kinda make it legit. There is so much on the floor of our bedroom we both stumble and fall. I'm not blaming the shuffling all on old age, a lot has to do with my inability to keep my room clean, either way, he shuffles. My bedroom is off limits to the neighbors eye because it embarrasses me terribly. Very messy. That is the one room where the door stays shut. No one allowed.

I never thought I would shuffle like my husband. I mean, he is older than me, right? He will always be older and he will always do the old thing first.

Well, I caught myself shuffling this morning. I'm thinking, what the heck, I'm not that old. Pick up those feet. March!!! We get lazy, we shuffle, we feel old, we look old, then we start to act old.

I have age on my brain for one reason only. We celebrated two birthdays at my house in the last 8 days. My husband turned 61. It was quite the dilemma for me to decide what I should get him for his birthday. We just had Christmas and I think I got him everything under the sun except his brand new sports car. He is very difficult to shop for and as he ages and it gets worse because if he needs something, he just goes out and gets it or he does without. He really does without most of the time. So I got him this card by my favorite cartoon character named "Maxine". I love Maxine!!! The card says (front cover) "You're tough to shop for." The inside cover reads "so I didn't". HE HE HE HE HE...... He loved the card and he belly giggled because he knows the dilemma that I am in each time it is his birthday or when it is Christmas. He can never think about what he wants or needs. Neither can I.

I bought my husband a chocolate cream pie, I don't like chocolate cream pies so I bought me a cheesecake. That makes sense right. I have to eat too. If I didn't eat his pie he would think I didn't want to celebrate with him. It only makes sense.... to me anyways...

We went and worked out, went for dinner and ate our dessert, then we shuffled to bed.

My daughters birthday was New Year's Eve. She turned 11. She doesn't shuffle. She has a whole different perspective about her birthday and her desires for gifts. She wants everything under the sun, and the cost of that gift, a whole years salary. She wants a grand party with all her friends. She has many friends. We celebrated quietly at home but she is waiting for her party. We keep trying to convince her that the whole world celebrated her birthday on New Year's Eve but she is getting wise beyond her years. I am planning a party today, that excuse isn't working anymore.

50 years apart, one shuffles and one skips. I sat last night on the sofa, in my old age daze, half asleep, half awake, at the prime time of 10:00 p.m. and watched my husband and daughter cuddled up together in the chaise lounge, neither dazed by their age difference. They both think they are young. I started thinking, I do that every now and then, you know think, so my thoughts were, is he (my husband) imparting his wisdom with her. After all, she loves him and thinks he knows all, so is she listening and learning the wisdom that he imparts? Is he listening to the wisdom that God imparts?

So, as I sat and watched the two of them, 50 years apart, I watched how God really has imparted wisdom to my husband and how he has shared this wisdom to my daughter, the next generation.

I believe the best gift for my husband on his birthday was the gift my child gave him by choosing to sit on his lap so he could could impart his wisdom and love. I believe when my daughter gets older and remembers her favorite presents it will not be the big party or all the many wrapped presents she receives, but it will be the gift of her daddy's wisdom and love and remembering those moments of just "chillin" with her dad in the chaise lounge or going out to get a coke.

What greater gift than being in our Father's arms.

Psalm 71:18 "Now that I am old and my hair is gray, do not abandon me, O God! Be with me while I proclaim your power and might to all generations to come."

Pick up those feet, march 2,3,4,....

Last Day, New Year

For the last week I've been trying to think about all the ways I can make changes this year. It was a hard year last year. I do not intend to write about the new year's resolutions but I am going to brainstorm about possibilities.

Two days ago I was tempted and couldn't resist and bought a cup of coffee at four in the afternoon. I did not go to sleep that night. Instead, I stayed up until 4am and cleaned and organized my closet and that of my husband. I pulled out of my closet 4 huge 30 gallon trash bags of clothes and purses and other odd items. I purge myself of the idea that I would get back into my skinny jeans in due time. I am embracing my new figure and If I get my old pre-four children bearing years body back, I will celebrate and buy new ones.

Yesterday I went and got my hair cut. New style, shorter, lighter and fresh. I feel perky today, even though I stayed up late and got up early.

I am going back to the gym today. Haven't been for nearly 4 months. Been too sick. I am going to take it slow and work myself back up to a good exercise regimen and I AM not going to feel embarrassed or disappointed in myself for starting over. It is a new beginning.

I'm going to try to have a defined budget and stick to it even when my kids say "mom, lets' go get a coke or go out to eat or hey mom, its' on sale....." I am simply going to say "it's not in the budget, maybe next month." If it is that important, it can wait. I have a feeling I am not going to be too popular with my children next year. I didn't have a good budget last year and I wasn't popular, so with that, I am going to take the risk. Am I ever the good guy? When my children so much as look at me I melt and give in to them. Not this year, I am going to pretend they are ugly and maybe it will be easier.

I would really like to take two trips by myself to visit my mother and father. Call me selfish, but when I go with my children, I rarely have a conversation with them. My kids are constantly demanding their attention. I want to be their daughter and I want their company. Checking air fairs soon....

I am going to try to get my game face on and journal more. Look out fans.... Look out God....

I want to learn a new skill. Maybe it will be bull riding or better yet, fly a plane. Whatever I choose, I want to love what I decide to do and do it with a passion.

Okay, here it comes....my job.... What does one do with a situation like mine, or yours perhaps? Even though I have not explained my situation, I'm sure you probably already have an idea that it is not peaches and cream. How do I resolve, move forward, move on, to tolerate it better? Learn to ride a bull? Try to find God in the daily, hourly, minute by minute frustrations? Is there ever a job that is peaches and cream? Maybe the answer is the "new skill".
I am going to draw, paint, shoot more photography and laugh more......

As this year draws to a close, I am not going to conclude on what I didn't, but what I can do.

As this year draws to a close, I am going to let Him mold me like a jar of clay.

As this year draws to a close, I am going to surrender to possibilities.

As this year draws to a close, I am going to surrender to His will because the Lord says " I will teach you the way you should go: I will instruct you and advise you." Psalm 32:8

As this year draws to a close, I will acknowledge that I am not in control. "We may make our plans, but God has the last word. You may think everything you do is right, but the Lord judges your motives. Ask the Lord to bless your plans, and you will be successful in carrying them out." Proverbs 16:1-3

As the year draws to a close, I acknowledge that these are just ideas, brainstorming ideas. For the Lord says "I alone know the plans I have for you, plans to bring you prosperity and not disaster, plans to bring about the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

As the year draws to a close, I will clatter pots and pans and say:
Happy New Year To All And To All A Good Night.!!!

Headphones

In the last two months.... lots of things have happened, I'm sure, I just can't remember all of them. Isn't it funny that only two months have gone by and you only remember random events? I'm trying to remember highlights and here is what I came up with thus far.....

1. I bought a new car. All 7 of us can fit into the vehicle when going to church.

2. My son has traveled recently to different states with his swim team and that made me nervous. I wasn't there. I'm trying to cut the cord. Can't. All of us celebrated his success.

3. Changes in my job occurred. Yuck! My kids feel my pain. I'm cranky.

4. My grandbaby is crawling. She holds the attention of us all, young and old.

5. My daughter played in an orchestra concert. I was her proud mother. Everyone went to watch her perform.

6. Thanksgiving passed. My table was surrounded by those I love!

7. Christmas passed. We gather around the tree Christmas morning and read from the Bible about the birth of Christ.

8. My "girls night out" club had our last event of the year with a dinner and gift exchange. I love these girls. Yahoooo...... That was fun!

9. Still cleaning up dog poop piles in my back yard daily. Love the dogs, hate the poop.

10. Made verbal exchanges with my son and daughter about not studying harder. That proved fruitless....I love them anyways.

11. Decorated my house for Christmas, transformed it, now I am looking at all the stuff I have to put up. Sounds like a family affair.

12. Finally sent out Christmas cards to my family and friends even though it is after Christmas.

13. My cowboy boots broke and I have to get them fixed. Everyone gave me their broken shoes when I said I was going to the shoe repair.

14. I'm sick. Good excuse to lay around. My children have been praying for me.

15. Three cars need fixing. We coordinate our rides each day.

16. My mind is blank. Can't remember anything else. Maybe I'm not suppose to.

So, where does all this reminiscing lead me to today? Is any of it important? I know the Christmas celebration is important, a day my children will remember. Thanksgiving will be remembered as we gathered around the table and gave thanks and shared happy moments in our lives. But, I ask myself, "what is the real substance in all of these events"? I sit and look at the list and try to add to it. My memory fails me. Nothing is stored up in that head of mine.

I draw only one conclusion to the list of 16 items. It seems these 16 items are centered around my family. Imagine that. FAMILY! Fond or not so fond it is my family that grounds me, giving me joy or driving me crazy, my every waking moment is about family.

God loves families. After all, he created Adam and Eve and made them a family. Right? and if we fast forward the story a little bit, God put Mary and Joseph together to raise Jesus and be a family. God wants us to preserve the family unit so we may pass it down from generation to generation and all its' tradition, stories, memories and the like, even picking up crap. Isn't there crap in your family that maybe you choose not to pick up or share but it is still there, lingering from one generation to another? Maybe one of us will forget the crap and move on to more joyful moments.

Satan tries to destroy families. He tried to destroy Adam and Eve with the serpent. Oh yes, they sinned but there family was spared. He tried each time killing the babies in families, like when Moses was spared and eventually lead the people of Egypt, thus continuing the family line as Mary and Josephs' son was spared as King Herod tried to kill all Hebrew male babies. He tries and tries each day, some days succeeding and other times failing.

There have been times I get so frustrated that I want to just walk away from my family. Not just one time have I had those feelings but numerous times. I let Satan take over my thoughts and feelings and control my worries into fear. He lead me away from God and his family. I get angry now looking back at how easy I was for him to allow myself to succumb to this level. It only takes a weak moment and zoom, Satan is in for the kill. We have to wear our armor at all times and surround our children with family stories of God and His love for us so we will not be tempted.

Satan almost had me the other night. He tried so hard to break up our family time. We went out to dinner at a nice restaurant, but it proved to be crowded and noisy. I hate noise when I eat. We could not pray together before the meal because it was so loud. It made me mad that I could not hear my daughter talk to me across the table. I put my headphones on and started listening to music just so I could tune the noise out. My headphones were very loud and I could still hear background noise. No one talked at the table. We couldn't. It was too loud. The food was great, the waiter was gracious and when I left that evening I thought.... maybe Satan was not successful tonight. Everyone was talking louder and louder so as to hear each other. Everyone at the tables were families. We were surrounded by families of all different sizes even crying babies. These families were brought together to share a meal. What a wonderful sight.

God had won. Satan had lost!

Proverbs 22:6 "Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it."

I believe my children will gather with their children at dinner one day. They will give thanks to the One above. They will try to find quiet place to break the bread. They will not put on their headphones at the dinner table like their mother did that night. But more importantly, they will continue to share bible stories and family memories from this generation to the next.

God wants us to share His message. He doesn't want us to put on our headphones. Headphones do not preserve and strengthen our family and the family memories. Satan however, does wants us to put on our headphones, to tune God out and to destroy the possibility of spreading God's message.

I'm leaving my headphones at home next time.

My ears were ringing the next morning.

Stay tuned for God's Message...............

Under The Weather

It has been three months. Sickness. Under the weather. I've been down and out. My physical well being is, well, not so well. I did not send out Christmas cards nor did I text or call anyone and quite frankly, my spirits are not healthy either. I haven't written in a couple of months and quite honesty, God and I are having a wrestling match with his reasoning of me being sick. Sickness takes a toll on your body, not just on your physical self, but it plays with your emotional health too.

It is the day after Christmas. I am laying bed reading, still in my pajamas at 12:30 in the afternoon. My Christmas wish this year was to be healthy again. I don't like being sick and neither does my family. After all, me being sick means that their clothes don't get washed as fast, the dog hair on the floor starts sticking to their socks or caught between their toes, their "to do" lists gradually get longer and I just complain too much. I was not meant to be sick. Doctors don't know what's wrong with me, too many tests, too much money and not too many answers. You know what that means.... more tests that cost more money.

I haven't exercised for 3 months. This angers me because I have to cut back on my food intake. Doesn't everyone exercise like me so they can eat more???? My evening bowl of ice cream has been reduced to a Sunday splurge. So I am a little humbled for those in constant pain or for those that may be a bit overweight. I do feel your pain. Really!

In the high moments of my sickness (which have been asthma, pneumonia and pleurisy and other complications) I have been reading various books on suffering and death. Maybe this is why my emotional well being has been compromised because that topic in itself is a very depressing subject. But in all actuality, it has helped me see somewhat the other side of why people are cranky at the cash register, raging behind the wheel in the shopping mall parking lots, family feuds and the like. Sickness dampers the soul like a dark cloud on a sunny day. It overshadows the light and the goodness that God gives us and does not enable us to see beyond our current situation. And if you think about it, it does make sense because it is hard to see or feel beyond constant pain. It can be very easy to dig a deeper pit in which to wallow.

I've been trying out ways to silence my tongue. I tend to think out loud. Sometimes, well most of the time, what I am thinking doesn't really need to be said out loud. No one wants to hear me moan 500 times a day. So, I am learning to suffer in silence. They think I am better but I really hurt inside and when doing laundry and folding clothes, I want to moan and cry and stop doing laundry. I want to have a pity party where everyone can complain and moan and everyone can cry. Then I want to be better.

I was reading excerpts from St Francis of Assisi and he says to "have patience, for the sickness of the body is given to us by God for the salvation of our soul; for sickness is of great merit when it is endured in peace." This all sounds good when you are well, but it is hard to live by when you are sick, at least for me. I really think I have failed this sickness miserably. I want to be well now! I'm tired of being sick and as I fail miserably out loud I have not captured the success of enduring in peace.

Saint Francis of Assisi also said, "I hope that I so blessed will be that every suffering pleases me." I feel so inadequate when reading this, but then again I know He's the saint and I'm the "wanna be". So, I mosey on, reading what I can to improve my thoughts and tongue so that one day I too can have at least one foot in the gates of heaven, saint or not.

And as for my pain and sickness, this too shall pass.

OUCH, THAT HURTS!!!!!!

Mummified

I recently visited the Nelson Art Museum and viewed the Egyptian section of the displays and wondered upon a mummy. At first I thought it was just an example of what a mummy would look like once wrapped and then displayed. I thought wrong. Upon examining this peculiar specimen I discovered not only was it real but, it was over 2500 years old. Imagine if you will, a human being that had died 2500 years earlier and encountering it within only a few inches from your own personal being. Spooky! Tis the season as we end the month of October.

I gazed at the mummy for quite some time. I had many "wonder" moments while observing the intricate wrappings of this body. Although this is not the typical procedure for caring for the dead today, I'm sure this person probably never imagined that his body would be viewed by thousands of people 2500 years later. I would be mortified knowing that my body would be dug up for the unknown to view. There is a certain amount of dignity and respect that we should have for the dead. As I and many others viewed this body, not everyone shared the same reverence. There were some children running around the display, people were talking and saying "oh, gross!", and others just glanced and moved on to the next area of the museum. I was appalled!

November 1st commemorates with fondness the "Day of the Saints" or as the Roman Catholic Church describes it as "Solemnity of All Saints". Homage is paid to those who came before us. So, as I viewed this person my thoughts were " how did this person live his life?" Was he a good, moral man. Did he have a family? What kind of job did he perform. According to science he was 45 to 55 years old and around 5'5" tall and he lived around the time of 525-332 B.C.

What does all this really mean? Well, while at the museum I tried really hard to imagine a holy man, a man with honor, a man of hard work. A man that left this world in peace and entered another. I reflected personally on my own life and what I will leave once my earthly body dies. When I leave this place called earth, I would like to leave in peace knowing that what I did here on earth would be remembered for good works and honor. I want to know that my sufferings here on earth will be replaced with the glory that I will receive once I attain my eternal home with my Lord.

Sounds simple enough but, as I carry this flesh around I also carry with me the weight of my worries. Did the man above carry around the weight of his worries too?

I have paid homage to those that have gone before me and I continue to ask them to intercede for me. I believe they are in a more glorified place.

" The Spirit itself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs, heirs of God and joint heirs with Christ, if only we suffer with him so that we may also be glorified with him. I consider that the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us." Roman 8:16-18

That's a wrap....

Living Waters

The force of the water hitting the rocks is what I most wanted to capture in this picture. While standing there trying to figure out the best way to get you, the viewer, to feel the power of this water without hearing it splash upon the rocks was to climb on the rocks myself, juggle my most precious expensive camera that I can not afford to replace, pray I didn't slip on the green mossy rocks and with hopes that the moisture would not get into my camera among other things, just for you to experience what I felt and saw this one particular day. I hope you feel its' power.

Water does have power. It sustains all humans. It sustains the environment. It is life.

The gathering of clouds, the dew on the ground, the sprinkle of rain, the trickle of a stream, the flow of the waterfall, the rushing waters of the river, the magnificent size of the ocean, all powered and orchestrated by our Lord. He is the living water.

As water is essential to sustain our physical life, so too must we have our Lord for eternal life.

With that, my grand-daughter was baptized. Baptized in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit. The streams of the living water will flow through her to other people. She will become a channel gifted by her God Parents to send the message of love, peace, and joy to others as she learns, accepts and gives these gifts to others through our Lord.

Her baptism was not done immediately. Four months after she was born. We were trying to make arrangements until one of her God-parents could arrive, as she is from another state. I was a little apprehensive. I wanted her baptized the day she was born. In my own little way, I quietly took holy water and blessed her in the name of the Father, Son and the Holy Spirit myself. I couldn't wait to do it at the church. I wanted her joined with the Lord immediately. I wanted the Spirit to be within her.

"But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one Spirit with Him." 1 Cor 7:17

"One Lord, one faith, one baptism; one God and Father of all, who is over all and through all and in all." Ephesians 4:5

I wanted my grand-daughter to wear the garment of Christ. I got goose bumps when she was baptized. I cried when she was baptized. It just wasn't because she is my grand-daughter, I cry and my hair raises every time someone is baptized. It must be the Spirit as the invited guest at this most blessed occasion.

As a God parent, parent and grandparent it is our responsibility to teach this little one of God to think through Him, live through Him and love through Him. I pray she receives him with open arms.

As for the water and its' power, well I believe I'm going to go get a glass. A glass of water.

Are you thirsty?

Quiet! You're in the library!

I go and sit, read,
listen, pray and
watch and
think.


There are many chairs in the library.
There are many places to sit.
I choose the most secluded spot in the library.
Three chairs. I choose the middle one.


Strategy. I think to myself.
No one will sit next to me.
I put my purse on one chair
and my books on the other.


Ready, set, write and read.
I notice a little old man wandering down the aisle.
He's wandering towards me.
He's cute, he's old, he's very old.


He has wrinkles.
He has a limp.
He has a cane.
He has a book.


He asks if he can sit in the chair next to me.
I move my purse.
I feel invaded.
He sits down and smiles.


He says "it's a lovely day."
I say "it's hot."
He says, "it's better than cold."
I say "maybe."


He wants to chat.
I don't.
He says something else to me.
I don't bother to hear him.


He repeats himself.
I'm trying hard not to listen.
He's lonely.
I'm lonely.


We chat.
We chat about nothing.
We sit.
He reads, I read. We read next to each other.


Two chairs, side by side
in this very big library.
Did God bring him to me
or me to him?


We spend several hours next to each other.
He coughs, he clears, he moans.
I cough, I ache. I wonder.
Will I too be like him one day?


I ask "what are you reading?"
He says "I'm not."
He says "I'm listening."
I ask "to what?"


He says "I listen to the voice."
I say "there are not many in the library."
He says "just one voice."
I am quiet.


He says he listens to God.
I asked him "what does God say?"
He said "God says many things,
but no one listens."


We sit.
In silence.
We sit.
I pray.


I close my eyes.
I am uncomfortable.
He prepares to leave.
He struggles.


I help him get up.
He grabs his cane.
He starts to shuffle.
He turns around.


I tell him to have a nice day.
He smiles.
I wonder.
He moves along.


Slowly he turns around.
He waves, he whispers,
"many blessings today."
"Thank You", I say.


He shuffles down the long isle of books.
Who was this man that sat next to me
in the silence of the library?
Who was he?


Ssshhhhh! Listen! God has something to say.

The writing on the wall

In 2004 I had a conversation with my mother about aging. We talked about our fears and not being able to be understood if we could not fully express ourselves. My mother was talking about my father being worried about someone laying him on his wrong side as he has a bum shoulder and has a hard time breathing out one side of his nose. My mother said she would want her teeth flossed everyday and it would bother her if her teeth didn't get flossed. I had this conversation in my head all day and it made me think about my own mortality and death and dying or just merely aging.


That evening something happened and here is an email that I sent my mother explaining the "writing on the wall" message.


Dear Mom,

It is midnight and I was in the shower, believe it or not, praying. I did not have time to do my evening prayers and my bible readings. I guess I figured since I went to church today that I did not need to do it again. Poor excuse. So, I began to pray in the shower after a full day,at the hour of midnight.


I always lead my prayers with scripture so the beginning of my conversation with God got put on the back burner until I finished my shower. At any rate, I was in the shower and I was praying or you ad dad. I was thinking about our conversation about aging and our request or worries. You know, about dad laying on his left side and all. Well, I was asking God to just take care of the both of you always and to give you peace about those issues and to assure you that he will e here for you. So, I kept praying and asking God to help be a better mom and wife and daughter. To help me teach my kids His way, not my way but, His way. To help them understand that when you get older (as I have aging on the brain) that all these material things in this world today really don't matter. Mom, you know how the kids always want me to buy them something and I can't afford it? Well, what I really want them to know is that what really matters in life is loving each other and doing God's work. I asked God to really help me because I fail in this area a lot, you know me, wanting more than I really need. So, I said to God, "am I doing a good job, how am I doing, am I on the right track??? Would you please help me God or let me know if I am doing good because I don't want to screw things up for my kids." I said, "I don't care how you let me know, just let me know in your own way if I am doing okay in this department."


I finished my prayers, it was a long hot shower. I had a pain in my neck that day and I let the water run on it extra long. When I got out of the shower it was exceptionally steamy because the water had been hot and it had been running for some time but, for some reason I glanced up and looked at the moisture covered mirror and it said, "GOD LOVES ME' 'GOD IS GREAT' and it had a smiley face on it. I guess the kids had put that on the mirror sometime ago. Maybe God had them put it on the mirror as he knew I was going to prompt him with my questions. Nevertheless, it was there, it was my sign and I truly believe God will take care of us when we ask Him to and when we can't. And as for my children, if they put that on the mirror then they are thinking about God. Another good sign!!


So mom, keep asking and having faith that God will take care of you when we age and we need our teeth flossed when we are old and when we need to lay on our left side. Somehow He'll know and He'll take care of it for us.


As for God's message, read the writing on the wall!!!

Shepherd, pasture and the sheep.

Some days I wish I were a cowgirl, boots and all. I especially consider this when getting dressed to visit city life. Now I'm not saying I don't like to get dressed up and get that pretty feeling or don't enjoy putting on make-up or wearing high heels, I just some days wish I could play in the fields. And so the saying goes, if I was a cowgirl always in the dirt and hay I would probably want just the opposite; city life.


We think the pasture is always greener on the other side.

This most recent picture I took in August was a picture of the Kansas plains. Looking at this picture makes me want this life more than anything. I feel awakened and exhilarated by just looking at it and the moment I stepped foot out of my car to take this picture I felt a sense of peace. It was a breath of fresh air.

Looking at the land and the person working the land can most definitely depict two different perspectives however, when I left Kansas to go back home I took the picture of the Kansas plains back home with me, a sense of peace. It will be a reminder to me while looking at the picture or remembering the time spent there that we too can have this sense of calm and peace in our life even if it is not Kansas.

The big wide open plains appear uncluttered and simplified. Sure, the noise of tractors and the dead of heat while bailing the hay can make for another complete set of emotions but, those effects aside, the simplicity of life, the uncluttered agendas can give each of us time to embrace the moment at hand. This is what I did while taking the picture of the Kansas plains. I embraced the moment and reflected on how I could simplify my life from city life to the life of fields.

The city life is a constant living street. It is like a stop light constantly blinking the colors of red and green. Our lives mimic the lights as we stop, go, stop, go, stop, go... and on and on. There is never really a pause. Even the street lights have a yellow light which means to pause, slow down but, does anyone really ever slow down? Do we try to quickly get through it only to encounter another one to pass through? Do we allow ourselves time to pause and reflect?

My daughter was with me when we paused and reflected while looking at the field. She was astounded by God's beauty and majesty. She took her camera and away she went, click, click, click.

"The Lord is my shepherd; there is nothing I lack. In green pastures you let me graze; to safe waters you lead me; you restore my strength, you guide me along the right path for the sake of your name." Psalm 23:1-3

My shepherd did guide me to green pastures that day. He let me graze to restore my strength. He is still guiding me along the right path today, all in His name as I take the memory of this Kansas pasture and all its' beauty back home.

A shepherd always guides His sheep, but are you willing to follow?

Sitting in the Chapel

Peace....


I wonder what He wonders about when I wonder,
When I pray?
Does He really listen?
Is He tired of hearing the same voice over and over?
Does He want more, want less of me?
Do I please Him, disappoint Him?
Am I a slow learner, or slow to learn?
Does He understand why I get angry?
Does He forgive me?


My eyes are heavy.
I rest in His home.
He's resting my thoughts.
He's giving me peace.
I'm giving into His presence.
I'm not fighting Him.
I'm letting Him have His way.


I think I trust Him.
I am His child.
He is my Father.
He loves me.
I love Him
I trust Him.


No more questions.
Just Him and Me.
Together,


In peace.....

Hiding under a rock

I took a picture of these rocks while on vacation. My attention was drawn to them merely because they all looked smooth, equal in shape, surface color generally the same and although there is one rock that is chipped at the top of the picture, somehow this rock fits into the picture just right without causing too much of a distraction among the other groupings of rocks.


I have some of these rocks in my front yard, they differ in color but, they create the same sort of picture. They are bound together to create a scene that each beholder views in his or her own way.


Rocks, you say???? Well, although they are just rocks and they fascinated me at the time, I never noticed the one rock that is chipped until sometime later. Not always but, on certain days I feel like the broken rock, or that just maybe I am slowly being chipped away at the edges as I move through life. Broken and bruised by the many misgivings I allow myself to receive.


The last several months as my children went back to school, continued activities, and began anew, I felt the same. I felt chipped and broken. I wanted to hide under the rocks. I wanted to find a warm dark, safe place to hide and escape, to blend with the other rocks and fade into the background. Did I do this? Yea, a little bit and I didn't pray as much and I allowed myself to become chipped, broken and bruised by frustration, anger and temptation. Temptation to give into the darkness of uncertainty.


I ask myself all the time "why do you easily allow yourself not to trust God" and permit your soul to be chiseled away by the very darkness that could be avoided by just trusting?


It is my perception that each of us chips away at ourselves by very simply making statements by saying "I wish I could be that or this or I wish I wasn't this or that or ...." We start this process of chipping away our very beautiful selves that our beautiful and loving God created until eventually there is nothing left but to crawl under a rock and escape. We find no beauty in God's creation.


The comfort of the rocks do possess at times peace to me but, I do not want to hide there all the time. I want to look down at them and discover each and every bit of beauty in all of the rocks, even the chipped ones.


"My soul rests in God alone, from whom comes my salvation. God alone is my rock and salvation, my secure height; I shall never fall." Psalm 62:2-3


"My soul, be at rest in God alone, from whom comes my hope. God alone is my rock and my salvation, my secure height; I shall not fall. My safety and glory are with God, my strong rock and refuge. Trust God at all times, my people! Pour out your hearts to God our refuge!" Psalm 62:6-9