Mutual Love

 2014
Trying to take a Christmas picture, but Hannah kept giving me kisses

Sleepy Hannah resting on her favorite spot, my bed. 

Sunday morning listening to the birds.

Sisterly Love, Hannah's best friends, "Wendy Anne and Millie"

 It has been three weeks since I lost my beloved Hannah.  I have had the earthly pleasure of enjoying this beautiful creature for nine years, a gift to me by God.  I have had the most incredible journey with her during her lifetime.  Her death was quick, unexpected and most certainly painful.  Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would loose her so suddenly with no signs of illness.  Never did I think I could love her as much as I loved her and never did I think it would be so painful.  I loved her with my entire being and I know for certain that she loved me the same.  We knew each others soul, and yes, I believe she had a beautiful soul.  When I felt sad, she felt my pain.  When I was happy, she was overjoyed.  

It has taken me three weeks to address how much pain I am actually feeling since she died.  I believe everyone in my house feels somewhat the same, as no one speaks about her because it is just too painful.  I had her cremated and her ashes are in a beautiful box alongside a candle that I keep burning, and her paw print that is set in plaster sits next to her ashes in the entry way of my home.  One day I will bury her, but I am not sure yet of her final resting place.  Her life is a beautiful testimony of God's love for us.  God gifted me with her, at the time, I was not sure why, but as I look back, I understand that God knew what he was doing because he knew I would need someone to share my thoughts with, play with and love me unconditionally in this transitional part of my life.  She carried many of my burdens and continued to love me unconditionally everyday of her life.

Hannah was my shadow.  Everywhere I moved, walked or explored, she followed.  When I laid my head down to rest, she too laid next to me, every night for nine years, close enough that I felt her breath and felt her heart beat when I rested my hand on her chest. She ate right alongside me, sitting next to me by my feet.  She walked beside me and swam along side me in my pool.  When I was tired, she would sit and wait for me to have the energy to stroke her head.  She just knew.  She was patient, kind, loving, and polite.  This was the most amazing gift that Hannah was blessed with by God, which was her gift of "knowing" and her gift of giving back to me and to those around her.  She will be most missed.

I am numbed by the pain, but as I try to move forward, God has given me so many wonderful memories of such a beautiful dog (my 5th child).

I loved you Hannah with my whole heart and soul.  I loved you in all the big and small moments of you life.

I believe, one day, in another time and in another place, we will see each other again, and I will listen to your breath and feel your heart and we will be one again.

"Let all that you do be done in love"   1 Corinthians 16:14

Counsel

Sometimes it is my desire to just disappear, into silence , and to only be submerged in God's embrace, His peace, His love, to be content in only Him.  It is easy for me to type all of these feelings and or thoughts down on paper, but it is actually hard  for me to just let go and allow God to let me feel His presence.  Often times I feel that these feelings in my mind could only occur in  heaven, because true bliss would only occur in heaven, right?  And, because we are dealing with life here on earth and all the many tugs of war going on in life, this true bliss and contentment with God could not possibly occur here on earth, could it?   The tug of war in my daily life makes it easy for me to NOT listen to His voice and to share in the true contentment of God's embrace here on earth.  And in this darkness of 'whatever' is pulling me in the opposite direction that is surrounding me with doubt,  sometimes this is where I fail to listen to God's voice.  I believe I could win the blue ribbon for this mistake and yet, as I fail each time and repent, I continue to repeat the same pattern over and over.  I need help in the area of listening to God's word.  It is this, the practice of  listening,  that my spiritual director has most recently shared.  She is guiding me to pay closer attention to what God is sharing with me; God IS very present in my life and I need to practice the art of listening. 

It is hard to verbalize my experiences with God because  I, first and foremost, start crying because the encounters are very overwhelming and hard to explain.  Yes, I cry like a baby and then I don't make sense.  I did this the other day when I met with my spiritual director.  I'd start sharing about something, I started crying, which led to something else and then I started crying again which led to something else and on and on.  I get emotional when I open up about how God is so present in my life and even harder when I deny this fact that God isn't listening to me.  I too deny Him, sometimes unknowingly, like Peter.   

When God speaks to me, why don't I listen?  Why don't I recognize God's voice?  And, when I speak to Him, does He listen too?  Is what I have to say to God important enough for Him to listen? And my thoughts and doubts creep in and then I begin to offend the one that I love the most.   

And, this point, thinking that God doesn't listen to me and me not to him,  would be the actual point of my conversation with my spiritual director this week when she commented to me, "And, why wouldn't He listen to you and you to Him, you too are God's child, created in His image and loved most especially by Him".

Sometimes we don't always like to hear what we don't believe and we don't always like to listen to what we hear, especially when we think we know what is best.  Sometimes God comes and puts the brakes on those thoughts and shares something entirely different, it is at this time that we have to listen.  I was told the other day that I need to listen better to God's word.  I was not happy about my directors' comment because I thought I DO listen to God's word.  She pointed out otherwise.....I did not like being told I was wrong. I have much to learn. 

Sometimes I have an impoverished method of praying, at least this is what I think.  I am working on my conversations with God.  I am not only thanking God, loving God and asking God for forgiveness in my prayer, but I am trying to really ask God for what I need, 'supplication'.  This is difficult because it is the word "I" that I struggle with in my prayer.  What I think I need may not be what God thinks I need and who am I to think I know better than God.  

"Whatever you ask in My name, that will I do, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son.  If you ask me anything in My name, I will do it. " John 14:13-14

 "This is the confidence which we have before Him, that, if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.  And if we know that He hears us in whatever we ask, we know that we have the requests which we have asked from Him." 1 John 5:14-15

It is in asking that we receive and it is in asking God, and trusting in God, that God will hear our prayers.  I am still a student, learning to refine my prayers.  Adoration, thanksgiving, forgiveness will always be my prayer, but adding supplication to my prayer and listening will be my homework this week and yielding myself to the power of God's grace and meditating on his life will assist me in seeing how much God loves me and how I need to improve in my conversation with God. 

Proverbs 19:20 Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future. 

"Say, WHAT?  I didn't hear you"?

Resistance

St. Michael the Archangel

Defend us in battle. 

Be our safeguard against the wickedness

and the snares of the devil.
May God rebuke him we humbly pray,

and do thou, O Prince of the Heavenly Host,

by the power of God, thrust into hell Satan, 

and all the evil spirits,

who prowl about the world

seeking to ruin of souls.

AMEN

The picture above is a hand painted picture of St. Michael, painted by an artist in Peru and hand delivered to me to place in my home.  It is in my entry way of my home along with other religious paintings and pictures as holy reminders to all that enter my home.  

I have a St. Michael prayer card on the dash of my car by my speedometer.  By placing this prayer card in my car, I remind myself daily as I enter and exit my car to pray this prayer.  I also have this card on my computer at work, in my prayer journal and of course, the prayer is in my head.  I ask for assistance daily from St. Michael to protect me and my loved ones. 

The devil is sly, cunning, and conniving!  I will take all the help I can get each day to ward off any of his attempts to ruin my soul.  My flesh is weak and often times I allow the temptation to filter in my life.

Lately, I am struggling with fear and worry. First, I have been worrying about my son and his rehab of his most current shoulder injury and surgery.  I really don't know why I am worrying so much because it seems that my son is openly embracing the many changes that have occurred in his life. Maybe, it is my mother instinct to dust them off, bandage them up and continue to protect them as they move along their way and when I can't do this, this facilitates worry. He is 'all grown up' and I am most blessed that God has allowed me to watch him grow up...I still worry. 

Secondly, my granddaughter just 'graduated' from preschool.  What a celebration it was to see her walk across the stage and know that she is going to enter Kindergarten.  But, in the midst of knowing that she is going into kindergarten, it also means that five years have passed and I am now 5 years older, as is she, and the clock is ticking fast....  We are all getting older.......  I should be most blessed that God has allowed me to see her graduate, but my mind wonders about getting old and it scares me. 

Lastly, with the most recent event of my husband losing his job, I fear the unknown and I am quite frankly scared to death.  I have experienced this before and it put many trials on my marriage and in my efforts to continue to have faith.  We both have to work.  We live simply at best, rarely going on vacation, rarely having extras, just enough to be comfortable and to provide for our daily needs. Thank you God. But, the fear of the unknown has crept inside my head and I worry and do not sleep at night.  I am tired of worry. 

I AM....

resistant in what God has placed before me today.  I am resistant to what God expects me to do, which is to place total trust in Him.  I am resistant to think that He is going to help us. I am resistant in knowing that He thinks this is best for us.  I am resistant in loving Him right now because life is not as I had imagined, life is hard, life is not fair and I wish God would make it just a little bit easier for my family. 

I AM RESISTANT in just 'letting go' and accepting the gifts he has for me today. 

The resistance is the Devil's work.  The resistance is my weakness.

I have allowed the devil to beat me down with doubt.

I pray, but I must increase my prayer, because the devil is coming at me with a vengeance. 

I must put on my full armor of God. 

I must resist him, not God. 

EPHESIANS 6:11-13

Put on the full armor of God, so that you will be able to stand firm against the schemes of the devil.  For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.  Therefore, take up the full armor of God, so that you will be able to resist in the evil day, and having done everything, to stand firm. 

St. Michael, I implore your help to defend me in the battle.... TO RESIST!

Before and After

 

I've been a little busy lately.  Things keep getting in my way of my writing.  My thoughts however, still remain and sometimes when I don't get them written down, my mind gets overwhelmed with all the things that clutter my mind, it is hard to continue on without being able to share or write or pray on paper. In the evenings, I lay under my covers and shut my eyes to shut out all the distractions and then I just pray.  Sometimes that works for me and other times not so much, especially when my family barges into the bedroom, forgetting to knock and interrupt with questions like, 'hey mom, can I borrow your mascara tomorrow morning?, or 'mom, would you go over my schedule with me?' or 'what is for dinner tomorrow?'.... and on and on...  I admit, I do get very annoyed when they don't knock, as do they when I remind them to knock.

There is always a before and after situation.  Nothing is constant on earth.  Life keeps moving.  What is, is not always.  Ever changing.  Moving. Transition. Transformation. Alteration.....

My son just had shoulder surgery.  What was,will not be the same for him.  He use to swim miles upon end. Moving his arm in a motion above his head repeatedly for hours.  He now can barely move his hand equal to his elbow.

My daughter who has played the violin for over 5 years, (the first two years were painful to hear), but now the most beautiful sounds come from the little piece of wood and she has now chosen to not play due to her increasingly busy schedule.

My husband, once again, has lost his job.  A new 'boss' came into town and released all administration.  He is administration.  He does not have a job.

I wake up each morning thinking and expecting and preparing for what I think I am going to encounter in my day, all the while, God has other plans.   Life is ever changing.

I never know.  He only knows. He has it all planned.  I am His servant.  We are His instruments.

What was before is only temporary.

In the midst of change, I do enjoy helping my son dress his wound, assist him in his inability to manage his daily living skills and to listen to him as he processes the change in his life and watch him watch me love him as I serve him.  This is one thing that will not change, I will server with love.

In the midst of change, I sit and watch my daughter find herself as she moves through life adjusting her schedule and interest that she sees fit.  It is difficult as a parent thinking that we always know what is best for them when they were young, but not always knowing what is best for them as they grow older.  It is in letting go and allowing them to design their life as God sees fit that we fall in love with them all over and over again as they change.  There is one thing that will not change, I love watching her grow into a beautiful young lady.

In the midst of change, I have watched my husband age alongside me. We have been marred for 31 years this month. What was 31 years ago, is not today.  Our lives have changed. His career has changed.  I have supported him.  He has supported us.  I have served him.  I am his wife.  Jobs come and go.  God always provides.  There is one thing that will not change, I will always love him.

I am nervous.  I am anxious.  For what is not and what is to become, I rely on God.

"God, I praise your promise;
in you I trust, I do not fear".  Psalm 56:5
   ********************
"Happy those whose trust is the Lord,
who turn not to idolatry
or to those who stray after falsehood.
How numerous, O Lord, my God,
you have made your wondrous deeds!
And in your plans for us
there is none to equal you.
Should I wish to declare to tell them
too many are they to recount.
Sacrifice and offering you do not want;
but ears open to obedience you gave me.
Holocausts and sin-offering you do not require;
so I said, "HERE I AM;
your commands for me are written in the scroll.
To do your will is my delight;
my God, your law is in my heart!
I announced your deed to a great assembly;
I did not restrain my lips;
you, Lord, are my witness.
Your deed I did not hide within my heart;
you loyal deliverance I have proclaimed.
I made no secret of your enduring kindness
to a great assembly.
Lord, do not withold your compassion from me;
may your enduring kindness ever preserve me. 
Psalms 40:5-12

My prayers under my bed covers now include courage to be open to what God will give me today and to accept his gifts openly and with love.

Before and After, the only thing that is CONSTANT, is HIS LOVE.

Keep Rockin' on.....

Today, on Mother's Day, after I went to 7:00AM mass, I went to the grocery store and bought a dozen orange roses and a vase for myself.  I thought they were beautiful and I never buy flowers for myself, but today, I thought 'why not"?  The store was having a special on roses, a dozen for $7.00 and I thought I deserved it, after all, my family didn't bother to get up to go to church with me, there were no flowers for me when I woke up and my children are not really children anymore.  They are grown and the 'Mother's day' thing I thought has probably worn its' course with my family.  My feelings were hurt just a bit especially when our priest asked the families to lay their hands over their mother and pray over them.  I had no one to lay hands on me.  The roses made me feel better, until I got home.

When I got home, my son called and wished me a happy day and he told me he loved me.  I love it when he calls me 'mom' because I love being his mom.  I called my mom and wished her a Happy Mother's day too. Then my daughters and grandchild came into my room and wanted me to go outside, and my youngest daughter was so excited.  She had "present" written all over her face.  I hesitantly went outside to find my rocking chair with a big bow and a vase of flowers and card next to it waiting for me.  My husband had sweat dripping down his face as he explained later, it took a while to assemble this chair together.  I was surprised of my precious gift, but more importantly, the gift that I loved the most was their excitement in giving it to me.  My daughter told me she picked it out.  We all took turns rocking in this wonderful chair.

Both of my grandmothers had a rocking chair and I remember sitting on their laps as they rocked me. I had a rocking chair when I had my four babies and passed it down to my daughter.  So, the thought of another rocking chair was most certainly embraced and I am so excited about the possibility of sitting on my front porch in the morning in my rocking chair drinking coffee and watching the birds and the squirrels.   However, I really underestimated their love for me this day.  Here I bought my own flowers and thought that they were just carrying on as if it was another day.  I always jump to the wrong conclusion and I feel horrible about my thoughts, especially about the fact that I bought my own flowers, this is most pitiful.

As time rocks on, I will be rocking my grandchildren on the front porch with hopes that they will one day have the same beautiful memories that I cherish. It is not so much about the rocking chair, but the beautiful moments we have with our mothers and grandmothers here on earth and the strength and wisdom that we acquire from them.

Mary, our heavenly mother imposes wisdom to all of us when Mary said, "My heart praises the Lord; my soul is glad because of God my Savior, for he has remembered me, his lowly servant!  From now on all people will call me happy, because of the great things the Mighty God has done for me.  His name is holy; from one generation to another he shows mercy to those who honor him.  He has stretched out his mighty arm and scattered the proud with all their plans.  He has brought down mighty kings from their thrones, and lifted the lowly.  He has filled the hungry with the good things, and sent  the rich away with empty hands.  He has kept the promise he made to our ancestors, and has come to the help of His servant Israel.  He has remembered to show mercy to Abraham and to all His descendants forever!"

I will ask my heavenly mother to guide me in sharing the wisdom of our Lord to those that I rock in this white, wooden rocking chair gifted to me this day on Mother's Day.

I will probably never buy myself flowers again on Mother's Day because I know my children won't forget and even if I don't get flowers, their presence is most important gift of all.

You kids Rock!

Now, I'm going to rock on, too!

Slither.....

We had a few chilly nights this winter, several nights dropping below 32 and of course, since this does not occur as it might up north, I had to take several precautions with my sprouting flowers and plants by covering them up with blankets and sheets to protect them from the freeze.  I was hopeful that the coverings of my plants would benefit their life. I took great care in covering the many plants and placing rocks at the corners of each blanket to hold the covering in place.  I had a few neighbors do the same, those that have taken pleasure in their yards like me.  I was not able to cover all my plants, only the ones that I felt would certainly benefit from coverage.

The bitter night had come and gone and I, being buried in other projects and chores, I left the blankets on for several days to come.  I am sure my neighbors wished I was as prudent in taking off the blankets as I was in putting them on, but I did not take them off until it warmed to 50 degrees.

It was a nasty job removing the blankets.  The blankets with heavy with dew and dust and so I carefully pulled each blanket off so as to not cover myself in the dirt and moisture.  On my last plant that I uncovered, underneath there sat a large snake coiled up waiting to greet me.  It was the perfect warm environment that I had blessed him with and he had made this his home to my surprise.  I was shocked to say the least and most certainly surprised to see him pull his head back to strike at me. I believe we were both in shock at one another's presence.  I, nor the snake moved.  Both of us were measuring each others' position.  I reached into my pocket and took out my phone and snapped a picture.  I am not sure what provoked me to take a picture versus the alternative which would be to run, but I took the picture. The snake did not move.  I then analyzed my placement to the broken branch nearby and reached for the broken pine branch that had fallen off my tree and proceeded to slam the branch down onto the snake only to watch as the branch broke into two pieces and then witness the snake slither back down into the ground.  

I pounded and pounded the ground, again and again, stabbing the earth over and over until I thought there might be a slight chance that I might have killed the snake and that it would never enter my territory again.  All the while, I knew that the snake went way under the earth's surface into its' home, safe and secure, waiting until I reach my hand into the soil again to garden my flowers.

My heart was racing, I was angry at myself for not having a better aim and for not having more power or force to kill the snake.  This encounter with the snake on my turf literally "rattled" my cage.

In retrospect, as I look back upon my encounter with the slithering snake, I am reminded of the evil force, constant wicked and crafty ways of the devil.  The snake is a reminder to me of the spiritual powers of evil and how I must constantly persevere to overcome any temptation that would separate me from God.  I know my God will protect me and give me power over the enemy.

Luke 10:19  "Behold, I have given you the power 'to tread upon serpents' and scorpions and upon the full force of the enemy and nothing will harm you.  Nevertheless, do not rejoice because the spirits are subject to you, but rejoice because your names are written in heaven."

The snake slithered back into its' hole and I wait in anticipation of the snake striking again.  I will cautiously protect myself physically when I again garden, as well as armor myself spiritually.

The prophetic words

It has taken me some time to gather the courage to write about a conversation that I had with a priest just recently.  I have many instances in my life that I would consider 'miracles' in my ordinary day, all of which I believe God was speaking directly to me regarding my life and my life situations.  I am very open to God and His messages, however this day, I was just not expecting this particular message.

There is no way that I could possibly relay the entire message given to me over the course of the hour that I had this conversation with this priest, but I would like to share or impart part of his message, with the idea that God always does and always will speak to us if we open ourselves to listen to the message.  It is in this conversation that I had with this priest that gave me a new message of Hope and in writing my experience, I offer you a sense of hope, that God is listening and that God loves us dearly.

I would like to share some background information regarding my conversation with this particular priest.  The background information is essential in understanding the divine nature of my conversation with him.

The background information is listed below:
1.  I have never had a conversation with this priest, other than several days prior, we bumped into one another and I asked him to pray for my children.  I then introduced myself to him.
2.  I have never told him anything about my parents, brother or sister or of my own children
3.  I have never expressed to him anything about my 'lost daughter'.
4.  I have never shared with him that I go to Adoration weekly.
5.  I have never shared that I do not like sitting in the chairs at Adoration.
6.  I have never shared how I physically, mentally and emotionally prepare for Adoration each week.
7.  I have never shared about any emotional discomfort and or disagreements that I have encountered over the course of my life regarding my siblings or parents.
8.  I have never share how I pray during Adoration.
9.  I have not shared about my particular prayers regarding my 'lost daughter'.
10.  I have not shared my fears, hopes and dreams with this priest.
11.  I have never gone to confession with this particular priest.
12.  This was the first time I have ever encountered a conversation with this priest.
13.  I have not shared with him the emotional and spiritual struggles that I have encountered in the last four years of my life.
14.  Do you understand?  There is no premise that this priest would have any knowledge about my life, thoughts, prayer life or anything in general.
15.  What did occur in the hour of conversation was a moment with God, expressing to me my most intimate concerns and love for him and my family.

Please read on if you will...

Prior to Easter, our office was booming with visitors, phone calls and numerous staff coming to my desk for various questions.  There had not been a dull moment in my office space and most certainly not at the noon hour. Noon hour was the craziest because people always came in on their lunch hour needing assistance for one thing or another.  This particular priest came to my desk and asked to speak with me.  I told him that I was the only one at the desk, there may be interruptions, but most certainly he had my most undivided attention when there were not interruptions.

He sat down, facing me, and grabbed my hand and held them in his palm.  He closed his eyes and said "I have been praying for you (he said my name)".  I felt an awkward, uncomfortable feeling, if you will, that I in the middle of my office building, for all to see and hear, I was having a conversation with my priest and I was not sure what the conversation was going to entail.  I was distracted, waiting on the next phone call, visitor or staff to appear.  However, it was unusually quiet, no calls, no visitors, no staff and he reminded me that we will not be interrupted.  I found this to be rather funny because I knew this was not going to be true.  I just wanted him to hurry up and say what it was that he had to say.   I looked around and at that moment I noticed that all that staff had left their offices, no calls were lit up on the switchboard and the reception area was vacant.  I thought to myself that this is really weird, spooky if you will.   He brought my thoughts back to him when he reminded me that he wanted to speak with me and that he can not speak to me when my thoughts are wondering and when I am not focused.  He told me to forget about the interruptions, as there would be no interruptions.  He was right, because for a solid hour, there were absolutely no interruptions during my time with this priest.

In the hour that he held my hand, I did not feel the weight of his hand, sweaty palms or anything uncomfortable.  I only felt a sense of peace by his touch.  Once I was focused, the hour conversation felt like 5 minutes.  He often times would close his eyes, taking deep breaths, and there were periods of silence as he was gathering the words to share with me. The uncomfortable feeling at the beginning went away immediately and I had the most heavenly experience ever imaginable.

He began, "I have been praying for you and mostly your daughter "_ _ _ _ _ _". " (I am not sure how he knew her name, but I listened. ) He stated "you always pray for protection for her and this is good, (I do not know how he knew that I pray for protection for her) but I want you to also pray for God's providence for her. It is in God providing for her that she will be well protected.  Your word in your prayers will now be 'providence or provide'.  It is also in God's providence that she will come to know God again and will return."  As he finished this sentence, tears started streaming down my face, I just could not hold in my tears.  He paused and said "my prayer as a mother is strong and my relationship with God is right and God listens to our prayers.  We never know when our prayers will be answered or how they will be answered, but it is in praying that God listens.  God hears your prayers and most certainly hears them about _ _ _ _ _ " (my daughter).

He continues and indicates that I have emotional distress with my family (indicating my parents and siblings).  He indicates also that I have a large amount of love for them, love that they will never understand.  He said my love is like the love of a mother for her children except they are not my children.  He indicates that God loves that I love.  He said that I have been distressed for sometime, back when my daughter was very young and I have carried this emotional stress and the lack of receptive love from my family and have placed this stress upon my children and spouse (he is right, as I have carried the feeling of abandonment from my family for many years)".   He told me "that I can not 'do' what they have 'undone', but the only thing that I can continue to do is to love." He told me "you need to let go of the ones that have hurt me and embrace those that want to love me".

He moved on.... pausing... praying... and holding my hand.

He proceeded in telling me that the Lord loves for me to go to Adoration.  (By the way, I have never told him I go to Adoration, nor have I ever seen this priest in Adoration...)  He shared with me how he wants me to prepare my body when I go to Adoration. (But first, I will share my private ritual prior to going to visit the Blessed Sacrament; My Adoration time is at 7:00PM weekly, and it takes 20 minutes to get there so I leave usually at 6:30PM.   Often times when I come home from work, usually I get home at 5:00-5:15, I make myself a meal, then I love on my dogs, and then take the hottest shower I possibly can to relax my muscles and to put me in a comfortable state, dress comfortably, usually in sweat pants and T-shirt or a long skirt and T-shirt and flip flops.  If it is winter, I take a blanket with me, as well.  I grab my bag with my prayer books, bible, journal and pen.  Then I mosey on to church.  No one, not even my family has any idea what my ritual entails.  I am sure they know the general idea, but most certainly not the details.) So, the priest began by saying, "when you go to Adoration, do not eat first and take a hot shower, take a cold shower then eat a 'lite' snack lastly.  It is in taking a cold shower and eating a lite snack that the body will automatically warm itself back up and certainly leave room for the Lord to feel me with warmth once I arrive at Adoration.  If  you take a hot shower, the body will cool off leaving you cold to God's message".  When I heard the priest tell me this I ask him how he knew that I did this, and he immediately stated "_ _ _ _ _, (my name) I told you that I have been praying for you.  Please listen".  Again, tears welled up in my eyes, my unbelief became belief.

The conversation continued on the subject of my visit  to Adoration. Most recently,  my time in Adoration and my prayer in Adoration has been contaminated with outside thoughts, interruptions and most certainly with lack of focus.  I have been distracted with the uncomfortable seats in the chapel, wishing that I could sit on the floor, but worrying about what others would think.  I also was distracted because my son had called me the evening prior to Adoration asking me to help him write a paper.  And on this note, I thought I would write the paper once in Adoration. I would pray, then sit in quite and begin to write part of his paper.  And, I did just that, ruffling papers and probably distracting the others that were actually there to pray.  The priest mentioned this in our conversation.  He said " why do you ruffle papers in the presence of our Lord?  Why don't you just sit on the floor instead of in the chair. The Lord does not care where you sit and you should not worry what other people think.  After all, it is just between you and our Lord".  He stated  " you must make yourself comfortable when you go before the Lord and in your prayer you will also hear".  He continued to tell me how he wanted me to sit on the floor, how to hold my hands and how to be open to the Spirit.

As my mind started to drift back to the moment of me being in the chapel and my thoughts that he confirmed, he reminded me again to remain focused and to listen to him.  He said to listen to the Lord we have to not be distracted.  We have to give all of our attention to the Lord.

Many other private prayers were shared and discussion took place about my hopes, dreams and most certainly, many  fears and thoughts were confirmed during his prophetic words.  I listened, cried, and hung on to every word he said.  After all, God was speaking, I had to listen.

He told me to write the word 'providence' down on a piece of paper and pray this word over and over.  I wrote it down and stuck it on my computer.  I don't think I will ever forget this word or his words to me this day.

The hour passed in what seemed to be 5 minutes.  There were no interruptions, not even one. There was no one in the office, no calls, no staff, just him and me.

He got up, took a deep breath and thanked me for letting him pray with me.

I was a mess.

My mascara was down my face.

Tears kept streaming down my cheeks.

My nose was all stuffed up.

I was not sad.

I was just in a state of bliss.

He walked off.

I was numb.

The phone rang.

The interruptions began again.

The day proceeded.

The prophetic words were replayed in my head all day long.  I cried on my way home.  I cried telling my family.  I cried because in that particular moment of that day, I had just asked God to please give me a sense of peace about everything.  I had just prayed and was feeling like my prayer was just another prayer, and a prayer unheard, or so I thought.  I needed to know that on this particular day, after a most unsettling prior evening in Adoration (mainly because I was unfocused), that God was at my side, loving me and accepting me with all my flaws.  I needed to know that my prayers were not selfish.  I needed Him to know that I just wanted to do everything that he designed me to do and that I did need His help in doing just this and I just wanted to please Him.   I just wanted Him to love me and for Him to make me feel loved particularly in my bouts of loneliness. In my years of feeling abandoned, I wanted confirmation that He has not abandoned me.    

This day, He fulfilled everything that I needed peace about and this is why there were so many tears.

How could I have ever doubted?

And, this is why I share my story with you today, so that you too will LISTEN to His words.

Please take time to pray, but more importantly, in your prayer, Listen.

Injured Wings

This morning I walked out onto my front porch to find this butterfly struggling to stay on this flower in my flower garden.  I ran inside to grab the camera to take a picture with hopes that I could capture its' beauty and then watch as it struggled to fly away.  We always have butterflies in our front garden, however it seems a bit early this year that they are out so early, so  I was quite delighted to find one to greet me this morning. I snapped the camera quickly.  I wished I had my better camera because I am sure it would have captured the delicate wing structure and its' beautiful color against the purple flower in the background.  At any rate, I am thankful for my quick movement and the butterfly's slow decision to fly away.

If you look closely, you can observe a slight imperfection in the right wing of the butterfly.  The imperfection appears to be an injured wing which is almost certainly why it was struggling to fly.  Although, it appears to be injured, the butterfly continued its' flight path towards another flower and on and on without a slight hesitation to quit and give up.  Its' wounded limb did not stop the butterfly from attempting to and successfully continuing its' flight pattern.  Its' adaptation to the injury and the acceptance of its' injury and its' motivation to not quit amazed me.

I'm not fond of quitting.  I believe if the opportunity exists, the skill is accomplished and the tools are available, take flight, adapt and succeed, but don't quit because of the unknown of tomorrow or something may require extra effort.

I had a long conversation with my son this past week.  He's injured.  He is down, and he is ready to quit. He has let other people place doubt into his mind about his healing, rehab, abilities, enthusiasm, his drive, purpose and his life long dreams.  He has placed himself inside a dark tunnel to which he can not see beyond the darkness.  I, over the course of a week have attempted to share a most positive outlook on the situation and have also attempted to help him see the benefits of an official rest during his healing, rehab and or recovery and future success.  He is too down to listen.  I am most saddened by this turn of events and his attitude of no resolve.

At 4:00 this morning when he left to go back to college, we had a disagreement and an exchange of words.  I have not spoken to him since and most certainly do not regret my words as a mother, but regret the way in which he left.  I prayed for 5 hours that the angels and saints would surround his car until he was safely home because I knew he was not driving peacefully.

We as parents, give our children wings to fly their own path, or feet, so to speak, to walk their own journey.  But, we as parents also want to make sure that they stay on course, with hopes that they do not make any drastic detours that will effect the course of their life.  We want them to understand that sometimes the easy path is not always the path to take because it is in the difficult journeys that we discover who we are, how strong we can become, the wisdom that we will gain along the way and the endurance to endure the hardship of the journey which essentially prepares us for the rest of our life's choices and decisions.

I do not think my son heard me in our conversation. He was determined for me to hear him.  And in our exchange of words, our words were lost in the challenge of hearing and listening to one another.

As a mother, we are intuitive and we place their burdens on our hearts and on our sleeve.  They do not understand how much we love them and want the best for them.  I just wanted to shake him until he understood, but as he stated, it is his life.

I wished my son could have seen the injured butterfly this morning soar through the sky.  The butterfly might have fluttered a bit, not as graceful as most, but it soared, injury and all.

Do you not know
     or have you not heard?
The Lord is the eternal God, 
     creator of the ends of the earth.
He does not faint nor grow weary, 
     and his knowledge is beyond scrutiny.
He gives strength to the fainting; 
     for the weak he makes vigor abound.
Though you men faint and grow weary, 
     and youths stagger and fall,
They that hope in the Lord will renew their 
     strength,
   they will soar as with eagles' wings;
They will run and not grow weary,
     walk and not grow faint.
                                          Isaiah 41:28-31

I pray that he makes the right decision.  I pray that he listened.  I pray that he prays.
You give them wings, you have to let them fly......

A Moment of Surprise

Yep, that's my dog. I love every inch of her.  I love all the slobber, hair balls, piles of poop and last but not least, her love.  But today's topic is unfortunately not about my dog.  It is about the expression that you see in this picture, a 'surprised" expression. This expression is what brings me to my prayer writing today and how I felt about a comment made at our Easter dinner table.   

My son brought home a friend from college.  Yep, his roommate.  He is a good roommate/friend to my son.  My son also brought home his dog which is shared with his roommate. I'm not sure what is going to happen with the dog once they graduate from college, but for now, their dog "Lucy" is their loyal companion.   She's cute, but four dogs in my house.... well you get the picture, it is quite busy. Lots of slobber, hair balls, piles of poop and of course, four times the love.  I don't mind the dog or the my son's roommate visiting, all is well.  We don't even think of my son's roommate as a guest, more like family, he blends right in with us.  We hope he accepts us as such.  Gee, I think my son thinks of him as a brother.  Okay, moving on.....

I'd like to think that our Easter was amazing.  We had a marshmallow artillery (archery) battle, we hunted Easter Eggs, (and oh yes, my 20 year old son hunted them too with his 20 year old roommate) and we hunted Easter Baskets, and swung at a pinata.  We had a huge meal, watched lots of movies and took care of dogs, might I add, four dogs....

Once we gathered around our dinner table, we prayed and gave thanks to our Lord and then we began our tradition which is to go around the table, each taking turns, to tell one thing that we are thankful for and one thing that makes us happy today.  We do this routine so everyone will have a chance to share their heart and to keep the conversation moving along and so the conversation does not linger in one direction with one person all the time.  We do have some in our family that would hog the entire dinner table conversation all of the time, and all of us know who it is, and so do they, and we really don't mind after all, I guess.  There is always lots of good information.   This time, at the table however, I asked each person to share one thing that they like about the Easter festivities.  Some said the marshmallow fights, the smashing of the pinata or the attempts of smashing the pinata was mentioned as a favorite, and then finding the Easter baskets and the contents of the baskets were also their favorites.  We finally reached our guest and I asked him what he thought about everything we had done in the past several days and his comment took me by surprise.  He did not mention egg hunting, basket hunting, pinata smashing or the marshmallow fights, but he very thoughtfully mentioned how he thought his favorite part thus far was the fact that all of us came together at the table with the table decorated in the spirit of Easter and shared our thoughts as a family.  This was his treasured moment thus far.  

When our guest mentioned that 'sharing a meal' at the table was his favorite event, I was stunned.  I thought for sure it would have been the marshmallow fight since he was so good at it, but it wasn't.  I looked around the table to see the expression of my family.  I believe we all had a moment of surprise. I also believe that as he thought our dinner table experience was special, I think my family might have taken it for granted.  His comment gave me reason to ponder about what a special blessing we have to be able to gather around the table and to count our blessings.  After all, it all started on Holy Thursday with the Last Supper and sharing thoughts and sharing a meal.  

God wants us to gather as a family, to share thoughts, to share food.  He wants us to form bonds, unity and experience each others day.  Holy Thursday, Good Friday and Easter Sunday gave way to a new beginning in our attempt to come to know Christ better, a new chance to better ourselves with our relationship with God the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.  With 40 days of reflection, an Easter dinner should be reason to celebrate Christ resurrection and our new life.  

My favorite thing that made me happy Easter day was when my son's friends came to celebrate with our family and the fact that my son wanted his friend to celebrate with us.  I think my son likes our tradition, our sharing and he wanted someone else to share in our table of thanks.  

Thanks son. Thanks roommate. What a wonderful moment of surprise at Easter dinner.

St. Anthony, my favorite Saint!

(Picture on left is a small statue of St. Anthony and baby Jesus)

Have you every lost your glasses?  Misplaced your keys and you know you took off those shoes (the smelly ones) by the back door only to find that they are not there?  And the most frustrating thing is that no matter where you look for those lost items, they are not there and you need the item immediately which makes the situation worse.

St. Anthony, is my favorite Saint and has been since my memory can recall. He is the Saint that I invoke for help when trying to find lost items. He has interceded for me to many times to count.  If interested, please look him up, but for now, I really want to share an amazing story with you.

I work in a church office and a young lady (late 20ish) came in, and I would say, a bit frazzled.  Her eyes were swollen and red and she persisted to tell me that she lost her billfold.  She then continued to tell me that her billfold was not just any billfold because it carried her phone and her keys.  She then proceeded to tell me that the keys were not her keys.  She was visiting family and she had the keys to a rental car.  The more she talked the more she was getting very upset.  So, I got up out of my chair and asked her if I could help her retrace her steps.  She agreed.  She indicated the last place she was at was in the ladies room in the church.  We went into the two stall restroom and looked around, on top of the paper towel holder, the sink, the floors.  She told me she had emptied the contents of her purse out on the floor, looking for something in particular, but there was no billfold.  

We then moved into the church where she was at prior to the ladies room.  She indicated to me that she sat in the front row when she was praying.  She did mention how beautiful our church was, she mentioned the stain glass and the altar, but by the time she was describing how beautiful everything was, tears were streaming down her face and she began shaking.  She was so incredibly upset because she did not have the keys, her identification and the phone that was in the billfold, carried the numbers in which to call.  She could not remember any of the numbers.  I asked her if she looked in the car, and she stated that this was the first place she looked, but she could not open the car doors because they were locked.

After having no success in the church, I questioned her as to her whereabouts prior to the church.  The young lady again indicated how beautiful the church was and then mentioned she was in the Adoration Chapel. I walked over to the chapel which was behind the church.  We tip toed into the chapel.  There were four adults in the chapel praying.  We searched around the chapel only to come up empty handed.  I interrupted the people praying and asked them if they had seen the billfold, and unfortunately all had said 'no'.

She began sobbing now.  I quickly moved her out of the chapel and towards the prayer garden. I asked her to sit down so she could gather herself and we could develop a plan, after all, I had to get back to work.  I grabbed both of her hands and held them and told her to breath and imagine that St. Anthony was standing before her.  I began my prayer....."Dear St. Anthony,  I am here today with a young lady, very distressed due to a lost item.  We have searched over and over and now we ask that you come to our aide.  St. Anthony, I am asking for intercessory prayer, in search for this young lady's lost billfold since you are the Saint of lost and stolen items.  I ask the Dear Lord to also grant her peace and to deliver her safely back home while on her trip. Amen"

She was most grateful for the prayer.  We stood up and I walked her to her car, which was parked quite away from all the other cars.  She mentioned that she did not want anyone making a ding in her car door since the car was not hers and this is why she parked so far away.   I told her I understood. I am not sure why we walked to the car, knowing full well the car doors were locked.  There was momentum in our steps.  I did not have a plan.   She walked towards the back passenger window, cupped her hands and looked inside the car.  She was exasperated because the door was locked and no sign of the billfold.

I asked her to step aside and as I maneuvered ahead of her, I reached for the front door and opened it. She gasped and immediately asked how I opened the door.  She indicated that 'those doors were locked'.  She moved in front of me and screamed in excitement saying "my billfold is in the front seat. Oh my God, how did you do this?"  Of course, I told her that I did nothing, if something was done we need to give thanks to the one who deserves credit, which would be Our Lord and our Blessed St. Anthony.   She moved towards me and held my hands and went down on her knees and cried thanking the Lord and asking God to bless me.

I am sure that if anyone walked into the parking lot that day and saw her kneeling before me it would have been an odd sight.  I was slightly uncomfortable, feeling a little awkward, but pleased more than anything that she found her billfold.

She came up off her knees exclaiming that this was a "Miracle".  

I then told this '20 something girl' to have a safe trip and scooted on back to my office.

Slightly weird, very unusual, but most certainly convinced that God had His hands all over this incident!

Ordinary miracle in my ordinary day.  Just saying.....

Obedience

I took this picture some time ago of the Holy Family in the prayer garden of my church.  I frequent the prayer garden that is adjacent to our chapel.  The statue is a holy reminder to me of obedience to God.  Our obedience begins with our parents as we honor, love and obey them.  And, it is in this obedience that we gain wisdom into the will of God by obedience to his 10 Commandments. 

Last night my granddaughter (4 1/2) years old, insisted on disobeying me and what instructions I thought to be important for her safety.  She disobeyed.   She persisted to ignore my requests over and over again.  And, as a grandmother, I did not want to be the one to punish her, however her mother was not home, which left me to be the one to follow through.  It ached every bone in my body to raise my voice and take away a favorite stuffed animal of hers, which was her consequence. She cried and cried and cried until she realized I was not returning her stuffed animal anytime soon.  

It was later in the evening that I was readying myself for bed, she came into my room and asked me if her animal could be returned.  I told her 'most certainly, not".  She thought about it and then said she was sorry (which is a hard thing for her or any child to do particularly when they are purposely being deviant) and she said, "maybe tomorrow will be a better day and we can talk about it tomorrow."  I told her talking about it tomorrow would be better because she would have time to think about what she did wrong and she agreed.  I could tell she was already very sorry because she knew she not only disobeyed, she hurt my feelings.  

I went to church this morning on Palm Sunday and I thought about how Jesus obeyed and didn't defy what God the Father asked of Him.  Imagine how hard this would be especially knowing the outcome.   He followed the instructions of His Father and was inclined to guide those around Him as well, full knowing that his journey was not going to be easy.  He was humble and submitted himself to the cross, graciously.  We must always heed his lessons of obedience, patience, and suffering so that we too can share in the Glory of God, His Resurrection.  

I look back on my childhood and in my memories of disobeying my parents.  I know I made their life on earth a living hell, oh how easy it would have been for them had I obeyed them.  I was difficult, I can honestly say, the middle child, always seeking approval and validation.  Undoubtedly, I did not always obey, but they continued to love and guide me then and now.   Accordingly, through their guidance for me as a child, I am able to guide my own children and my grandchild towards God. Undoubtedly, either roads, the one on the journey or the one pushing them towards the journey, is never easy.  We misstep along the way, falling off the road and getting the map out to get back on the right path.  

Peter, Jesus' disciple, denied him three times and though Peter vehemently replied, "Even though I should have to die with you, I will not deny you." Mark 14:31. How many times have we denied Jesus?  How many times have we offended Him?  How many times do we deny Him knowingly? How many times are we sorry?  How many times will we do it again and again?

Today my grandchild got her stuffed animal returned to its' rightful place.  We talked about how we hurt those when we don't follow the rules. She asked me if my heart had stopped crying.  I assured her that just looking at her smile, my heart was very happy.  She is happy, she has her stuffed animal. 

Life continues in the life lessons of obedience as we walk on the journey with our relationship with God, sometimes taking detours and then finding our path again. God is always there guiding us, loving us, listening to us, knowing us as his children.

"Watch and pray that you may not undergo the test.  The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak." Mark 14: 36  

The Transformation

Valentines

St. Patrick's

Easter

Seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer and fall)  seasons of the Catholic Liturgical calendar, Holidays and Birthdays are many reasons for my family to come together to celebrate and decorate our dining room table.  All of us share in the creation of our table which, essentially inspires us to gather and share a meal. The decoration of our table has been a tradition for over 30 years.   If this table could talk, it would speak about love, forgiveness, encouragement, discipline, possibly bad manners, forgiveness again, and how beautiful the table felt being so adorned. This table would laugh a many laughs and weep many tears. But all in all, this table has transformed us as a family.

Over the course of many a meals, I have seen the transformation of each of my children, my husband and myself.  I used to assist in feeding my children, to cutting their meat and watching them feed themselves, to reminding them of their manners as teens, to observing my adult child feed her own child. There have been arguments and mutual agreements among all family members, and as I reflect on the transformation over the years, I have been blessed to have such a family. I embrace this table more than ever now, as my children are all almost grown, and embracing their guests that they bring to our table and watch as they introduce them to our tradition.  

The metamorphosis of our physical, mental and spiritual growth is something that God seeks for us all, as we grow from children to adults . He wants us to alter our way of thinking from 'me' to 'us' to HIM'. It is in thinking and responding to Him that we can again think about 'us' and 'me' in a new transformed way.  

When Jesus gave his life for us he thought only about us.  He loved us enough to give His life for us.  

If we are so inclined to see the beauty of Jesus' life, we will see the beauty in each other and live to want what Jesus wants for us, which is to be transformed to love one another in its' entirety and perfection of God's will.  And as we grow and are transformed spiritually, this is most pleasing to God. 

Romans 12: 1-2

SACRIFICE OF BODY AND MIND "I urge you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God, your spiritual worship.  Do not conform yourselves to this age but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and pleasing and perfect. " 

We have reason to celebrate as the month of April is almost here, as will be Easter day.  It will be a day for transformation and perfection. 

He will call us by our name

My grand-daughter insisted that I buy her a bath tub toy, in particular, a toy duck, a yellow toy duck for that matter.  I really couldn't understand why she wanted ducks to play with in the tub because she is nearing 5 years old in one month.  Her request was very simple, one yellow duck to match her other yellow duck.  So, I went to three stores and upon my surprise, I could not find a 'plain' yellow duck.  I tried to influence her that having a duck with a red scarf, or a duck with a purple hat: since purple was her favorite color, would be just as awesome.  She didn't agree.  She wanted a plain yellow duck.

My search continued throughout the day for a plain yellow duck, and it consumed my entire day, dragging her along from store to store.  We went to a little town outside our town and there was a store specifically for bathtub ducks.  The store was incredible, basket to basket there were so many ducks of all sizes and shapes and colors and of course, many different prices.  We were overwhelmed with the thought of so many ducks.

My grand-daughter stood in amazement looking around and planning her excursion throughout the store.  What was once a search for only a 'yellow duck' now became a search for 'yellow duck babies'. Now don't get me wrong, I love my grand-daughter, I have spent my entire day looking for ducks, but now I just wanted to scream and put her in the car and leave.  If I knew now what I knew at that moment, that with a little more convincing earlier, she might have settled for a different duck. Unfortunately, she is most persistence, and needless to say, we forged on until we came upon this shop.

The shop consisted of bath soaps and sponges, but mostly ducks.  She maneuvered from basket to basket planning her shopping spree.  I watched her intently, as she made comments about each duck and their outward appearance.  We came home with 18 ducks, all very different in sizes, shapes and colors.  I gave in and gave her anything she wanted to end her day with contentment, happiness and with enough ducks in her possession, hopefully she would never ask for another duck.

Once we arrived home, she immediately wanted to take a bath, and in my mind, this idea was great because I knew I had plenty of things waiting for me to do that I ignored all day.  I knew a bath for her meant time well spent for me.

At the close of her hour long bath, I had to persuade her to get out of the tub,  but not until she told me the names off all of her ducks.  She went from duck to duck explaining to me their names and why she named them each a different name.  It went like this; "this is yellow duck, white beard, monkey face, blue horn, rock star, hopped, four leg," and on and on.  She didn't skip a beat and when I asked her to repeat them she was able to once again give me the same names that she did previously.  I was amazed. She also said she loved them and she was going to take care of them. I tried to name the ducks however, I messed up a couple of times and she said that we have to call them by their right names because their names are special, like hers.

In Isaiah 43:1 "But now thus says the Lord, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine."

These ducks are hers and she will take care of them and call them by name, as we are HIS, and HE will take care of us and call us by our name!

Ducks, who would have thought.......

I'm Seeing Dots!

 

Over the holidays I created a palate of dots on the wall of my 15 year olds' bedroom.  It was her idea and much to my dismay, I hesitated, grumbled, tensed up and finally gave in to that sweet child's whims.  I carefully opened the can of paint, so as to not spill it on the carpet and then I plunged in to this arduous task.  It was a delicate operation at best.  I had no help priming the walls, painting the walls white, measuring the circles that I was to paint, and then actually painting those circles.  It was a long tedious process.  I was a little resentful at first as I began measuring the spaces between those dots and as I listened to my family in the other room laughing, watching T.V. and not a soul asking if I needed help.  I moved forward trying not to let the joy of painting be over ran by negative feelings of resentment.

I love to paint, but the problem with painting is that all my other chores, tasks and or duties of a mother are still there waiting for me when I finish with my painting.  Life keeps moving forward, and chores are still there and there is only one of me.  The thought of loosing nearly two days of time painting dots while my chores still remained was a daunting thought.  I will say, all in all, there was a hint of excitement in my body about this project, but I let the resentment of my family not helping overshadow my joy.

My fifteen year old has a unique gift of creative vision. I think in part, her vision arises out of being positive, thinking forward, and not letting any doubt or evil thought interfere with her happiness to create. Her spirit has been strengthened by trials.  She has moved forward not letting the past hold her captive.  Her energy helps me move forward, as well.  And I do have to say, I too have a creative thumb like her,  but I tend to hold onto and linger in the dark places I have been and sometimes choose to stay there instead of relishing in the joy of the day and allowing my free spirit to be embellished.  My daughter has taught me much.

As I started painting these dots I began praying. I was a little angry at the beginning, doing this project out of obligation not gifting her with the possibility of a new room.  I hated the feeling of anger and so as I began praying, I softened up a bit.   Each dot holds a specific prayer.  All in all, this is a prayer wall camouflaged by dots.  She has no idea the amount of prayer it took me to get through this project, but prayer prevailed and God won.  I chose to not be tempted by the trials in which I was tempted.  I knew that if I allowed the one who tempted me with the trial, this wall would not be the gift in which it was intended.  I had to allow the spirit of love prevail in her room.

Most recently, I began mediating on the Letter from James 12-15

FAITH AND WISDOM

"Happy are those who remain faithful under trials,

because when they succeed in passing such a test,

they will receive as their reward the life which God has promised to those who love him.

If we are tempted by such trials, we must not say,

"This temptation comes from God."

For God cannot be tempted by evil, 

and he himself tempts no one.

But we are tempted when we are drawn away

 and trapped by our own evil desires.

Then our evil desires conceive and gift birth to sin; 

and sin, when it is full-grown, gives birth to death."

When I completed the project of "dots", I felt the joy through my daughters eyes.  She was most pleased and the pain in painting those dots eventually became a prayer, a time with God and I myself received the joy from God when my daughter was overwhelmed with the happiness of having her room decorated with those hot pink dots. I never imagined that the next two days would be filled with excitement over dots.  

If we remain faithful under trials, the reward is so ever wonderful.  The rest of my family chimed in and wanted to add their touch of love to this room.  And as the room evolved she became most grateful.  And I might add, her room is remaining clean.  This clean room may not last, but it is a reminder to me her appreciation and a reminder to her of my love for her.   

I am a little dizzy, I am seeing dots on the wall.  

"Oh they would put me in the zoo, if they could see what I can do." 

           (A line out of Robert Lopshires' book)

The GINGERBREAD House

We awoke Christmas Day to the sounds of my grandchild, who is 4 years old, very much filled with the excitement of Santa Claus and the GIFTS that he brings.  She keeps this part of Christmas Spirit alive and the excitement that she displays is beyond measure.  Her childlike enthusiasm is so innocent and pure it takes me back to my childhood memories of my Christmas.

We opened presents, shared in jokes and laughter and made cinnamon rolls for breakfast, built a fire that cooked us all here in the south (it was all in the idea that it would be awesome to build a fire) and then we cleaned up the mess of the packages unwrapped.  For instance, we had a bag for used bows, a bag for boxes, a bag for trash, a bag for recyclables and a bag for ribbon that could be used again next year.  

We examined our gifts, commenced to nap taking, watching T.V. or just lingering in the family room. We remained in our P.J.'s most of the day.  The smell from the kitchen was overwhelming which eventually drew us all into this space.  Of course, not many offered to assist in the cooking of the goods, but what did happen was the sounds and volume of music was turned up and the dancing began.  Everyone danced to some very up beat tunes and shared in, once again, laughter.

The laughter of my family was finest Christmas present gifted to me this year. No one can box up laughter and send it as a present, it is gifted by those that you love, in situations that are unplanned and/or in the unconditional moments of life.  It releases all sorts of endorphin's that temporarily triggers all sorts of benefits to your mind, body and spirit.  Consequently, in our family, the laughter also triggers other series of other events, which I would like to call 'memories'.

It is in the memories that will be passed down from year to year, not the gifts that were wrapped, but in the experience of each other loving one another.  It is in the vulnerability of opening up to one another in the movement of their spirit.  And it is in the vulnerability, this closeness that brings about a spirit of family and more laughter.

After dinner the family gathered to make a Gingerbread house.  There were two kids that were responsible to decorate one side and the other two were to decorate yet the other.  There was honest competition among them and laughter.  I stayed on the out skirts of their sticky mess and watched and listened to each of them, working together to create a magical gingerbread house.  All in all, I was thinking about each of their gifts that they were bringing to the house.  The youngest was gifting her spirit of excitement, the other was gifting her perfection, one was gifting her creativity and lastly, one child was engineering the house to remain in place for weeks to come before it is deposited into the trash can.    

The spirit of teamwork among my children is also a favorite gift received this year. The teamwork and the gifts they share and their unconditional love for one another is reason to give Thanks.   It is in teamwork, working together, living in harmony is something that God wants for us all.  In having harmony, laughter, working together, we are able to do God's will. This, teamwork, after all, is a very clear statement in the Bible.

1 Corinthians 12:14  "Now the body is not a single part, but many." 

It took skillful practice to create our gingerbread house and it also took a skillful practice to accept each other's differences and gifts presented that day.  

As Christmas day has passed, I get to hold on to the gingerbread house for a couple of more weeks.  I get to visibly remember the laughter and the gifts of harmony that were brought to my table to create this little candy treasure.

My Christmas gifts this year:  laughter and harmony.

Christmas Favorites

I arose out of bed at 6:00am Christmas Eve morning thinking to myself, I am going to cuddle up on my sofa with my dogs and drink coffee and wait for the tribe to arise out of bed. The house was chilly, so I grabbed a blanket and headed for the sofa, checked my phone for any updates on social media. My phone had several messages from my daughter who left for work about an hour earlier than when I woke up. Her text message was so long she should have written a book and gotten paid.  My coffee waited as I pursued to read and read some more.  Essentially, she wanted me to take my grand-daughter to the doctor, run to her house and pick up a few items, check on the lights and so forth.  Sometimes, well most times, I think she should pay me as her hired help.  

I called the doctor and was informed that I needed to be at the office in about 30 minutes.  So, in a scurry I grabbed clothes, woke the grand-baby and headed out the door only to wait at the doctor's office for an hour in the waiting room, an hour in the exam room and 45 minutes at the pharmacy.  This waiting set the stage for Christmas reminiscing.  My daughter's text message procured three hours off my initial sip of coffee, breakfast and cuddling up with my dogs.  Nothing goes as expected.  

Here's what I thought about in those three hours of waiting.....

My Christmas Favorites:

1.  CHRISTMAS FLAGS on my house, especially the one pictured above.  Each season I bring out a new flag to hang by my porch.  The flag above is one that I purchased this year, couldn't find my other one, but that's okay, I really am glad I could not find my old flag because this one really brings a smile on my face.  

2.  LAST MINUTE SHOPPING especially when you know everything is already purchased and you have maintained your budget......so, you reward yourself and buy more.  It is always these last minute gifts that seem to be the best gifts given.  No thoughts, spontaneous buying, no budget, the BEST gifts!!!!

3.  SNOW.  My fondest memories while growing up was on the 1st of December.  My family placed bets on whether we would have a white Christmas.  We don't place bets down here in the south, only in the north because everyone would all guess that there would be NO snow, because it is just to dang hot down here in the south.  Maybe we should bet whether or not the weather will be above 70 degrees or below.  Now that would be a change up in tradition. 

4.  MUSIC..... Now you would think that I love listening to the sounds of Christmas music and I do, don't get me wrong, but on Christmas Eve we all usually get together in the kitchen and all of us start baking our desserts for Christmas day and we turn up the music (top pop music) and dance and sing and bake.  We each get to display our dance moves, including my son, and we laugh till we can't laugh any more!!!! I'm not sure what we are baking this year, but I will think of something just to see the moves... 

5. GRANDMOTHER'S HOUSE.  I loved going to see my grandparents over the Christmas holidays when  I was a child.  They created very special memories that have lasted a lifetime. I hope my grand-daughter has the same sentiments when she grows up and looks back in time.  

6.  LIGHTS.  On Christmas Eve we go and see the Christmas lights around the neighborhood.  There are usually more than the legal amount of people in our car, so we are all squished and everyone is complaining in a fun way and we see the lights and then we are glad it is over.  

7.  MIDNIGHT MASS:  I love to agitate my family when I tell them we need to leave at 10:50pm for midnight mass.  It only takes 10 minutes to get to church, but I, in my anticipation of mass, want us all to sit together and not to worry about getting split up at mass because there is not enough seating and not to gather frustration about no parking spaces.  I like to just sit in the pews for an hour and listen to the music and pray.  My family says I create  more frustration for them than they would have with the idea of being split up and walking two miles.  I think they are always joking, so we always leave at 10:50 for midnight mass. 

8.  PRESENTS.  I like to see the presents under the tree Christmas morning, but I dislike wrapping them.  My back hurts after this marathon event.  No one usually volunteers to help me so I have to use force to get someone to assist.  I always wonder why I am responsible for this task...???go figure..

9.  KIDS... Even though my children are all almost adults, they are still my kids and I still love the moment of surprise when they open their presents.  Even if they have already peeked, they still are really good at faking it.  I hope they have not peeked.  I love to see my kids smile and I most certainly love the gift giving part.

10.  ANTICIPATION of Christ being born.  As we have all prepared this month of December for the birth of Christ, you see a change in people attitudes.  There is less hostility, more generosity, and a holy reminder everywhere of what is to become on the 25th.  Everyone knows, everyone shares in the celebration.  There are a few that grumble, but I believe the spirit is greater than the grumbling. 

Merry Christmas!  

Gospel LK 1:67-79

Zechariah his father, filled with the Holy Spirit, prophesied, saying: 

“Blessed be the Lord, the God of Israel;

for he has come to his people and set them free.

He has raised up for us a mighty Savior,

born of the house of his servant David.

Through his prophets he promised of old

that he would save us from our enemies,

from the hands of all who hate us.

He promised to show mercy to our fathers

and to remember his holy covenant.

This was the oath he swore to our father Abraham:

to set us free from the hand of our enemies,

free to worship him without fear,

holy and righteous in his sight

all the days of our life.

You, my child, shall be called the prophet of the Most High,

for you will go before the Lord to prepare his way,

to give his people knowledge of salvation

by the forgiveness of their sins.

In the tender compassion of our God

the dawn from on high shall break upon us,

to shine on those who dwell in darkness and the shadow of death,

and to guide our feet into the way of peace.”